Head and Heart

I've been away a few days and it's good to be back. I've not physically been away, but I have set aside this blog for almost a week. It isn't to say that I've been ignoring myself, or that I've not been continuing my self discovery journey, but rather I've just not felt like writing. I guess I wanted to let myself be ok with setting the writing aside and so I gave myself time off. The result is that I missed it. Perhaps it's become a habit or at least my mind has grown accustomed to writing and enjoys releasing my thoughts in this way. Regardless, it's good to write again.

I feel like I'm stuck a bit in learning about relationships. I keep believing that everyone struggles with this and each deals in his/her own way. At least I hope that it is true because I'd like to not be the only lost soul. I'm not so confused on friendships. Where I'm struggling is finding a companion. It seems such a difficult thing to find someone that I compliment and vice versus. It's something that I long for and yet recently I've considered that perhaps I should stop looking. Some would say I'm more likely to find someone when I'm not looking and others would say that I need to put myself out there. It's a situation of contradictions.

I'm most confused because I don't know how to balance my heart and my head. I remember recently seeing a comedian who kept repeating the words of his girlfriend to him, "We don't get to choose who we fall in love with." It was a touching and real reminder of the organic quality of love. Love can strike between people that are polar opposites and yet there is that spark. So I find that I meet new people and I feel a connection and begin to jump. I overlook the differences or hurdles and hold onto this romantic idea of love. If it's meant to be love will conquer all. In this mindset I become enamored with the fantasy of love and begin denying my wants and needs to see if love will persevere. What is this? Does this last?

The logical part of my brain wars with this concept of heart and love. I have been in some fantastic relationships and each has given me a better idea of what I want and need. Some have taught me about dark places in myself which I need to work on and others have enlightened me to qualities I need in my partner. The list of qualities has been growing and I feel that I have a good idea of what I'm looking for. But lately I seem to be asking people about these qualities and then checking them off on a list in my head. I am feeling like it is a laundry list and I'm not letting myself feel the person out or discover them.   But is this list too logical? At what point am I just shopping rather than connecting with a person? The Little Prince warns about being too concerned with matters of consequence as this is what happens to old people. I don't want to forget about asking what his favorite flower is or how he first fell in love. And yet there do seem to be some necessary qualities in the boy I'm looking for.

To quote The Rules for Being Human, "A lesson is repeated until learned. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it -- then you can go on to the next lesson." I think that I'm stuck on this lesson and I'm still learning. Perhaps it's the balance of the head and heart rather than one or the other. Perhaps I need to learn that a date isn't necessarily leading to a relationship. Rather, it is getting to know a person and being ok with the possibility that they aren't a good match. Maybe I just need to be more honest with myself. In Texas Hold 'Em one of the first lessons I learned was that I should fold if I know that the cards I am first dealt are not good. I can bet and stay in to see each step of the game but usually all that happens is that I get caught too invested in the pot to leave. In the end I'm miserable when I realize I have nothing in my hand and have spent much of my money and time. This game of dating seems to be the same.

This evening I feel that I'm beginning to learn this lesson. I think that I need to be less "involved" in a search for love. My heart and my head need to be at peace and work together. There is no set formula for what I need in a relationship but I do need to be mindful of things that will cause me grief. It is ok to realize that someone isn't a good fit.

I am back again to focusing on me (maybe this is the real lesson that I'm stubborn to learn). Why do I think I will find answers from the outside; from meeting someone romantically. If I can resolve the "me" then the relationships that are meant will happen naturally.... and regardless I'll be content.

Sexy

"Just be yourself and the sexy will show through...
Maybe your right... I don't have to hide behind the muscles like you do."  -Glee (Rocky Horror Glee Show)

Tonight after conversations with a friend this comment from this week's episode of Glee came to mind. It's funny to me how a lighthearted TV show can also inspire self reflection. I feel a lot like Fin does in this episode and I think that this is one of my hurdles in life. I seem to hold myself to different standards than I do for other people. In the episode Fin knows he doesn't have the perfect body and is rather ashamed of it in fact. He finds himself combating his own self image throughout the episode looking for help from the other guys to look sexier. It is in the conversation above that something in his mind clicks and he realizes that his "sexiness" is not about how ripped his body is but rather in who he is. If only coming to realizations (and making them stick) were as easy as it is in a one hour TV show.

What I am now reflecting on is what it is that I actually find sexy. It's sort of like having someone ask what my type is. It seems like a very elusive thing to try and pinpoint and describe to someone. What I do know, and understand almost instantly, is that it is not tied to just a persons physical appearance. True, I am attracted to people in good shape sometimes, but I also have been attracted on numerous occasions to people that aren't in ideal shape. In fact I've never been in a relationship with anyone who regularly lifts weights or exercises heavily. I've never dated anyone with washboard abs. Yet I can honestly say that they all of them have been sexy to me. So what is it that makes a person sexy?

It's funny as I'm reflecting on this the one thing that I think that I find most attractive in a person is their smile. I love it when a person is happy and it shines through their smile. I love watching it emanate upwards and fill their eyes. That would be the second most sexy feature to me. I would be lying to myself if I were to say that a person in good shape didn't matter. It adds something to the whole package but then it apparently isn't the necessary part. I think more than anything the persons body type can reflect that they take care of themselves which is also an attractive feature. Sexy is about the person. Perhaps its the person being confident. For me it seems to be about the person being truly happy in their spirit. That is damn sexy.

And so I return to my contradictions. Why is it that I'm totally OK with seeing that other people are sexy because of their smiles or their good nature but I completely ignore that in myself. I know that I am happy and I show my joy to people regularly. But when it comes to the idea of sexy all I see is my weight that has always been an issue. I see only my body. I see my smile and happiness only as some sort of concession that another person might make when choosing me. "He's not all that easy on the eyes but at least he's happy." That's about how it goes in my head. If this were a TV show I'd be making that miraculous connection right now and everything would be good. This isn't a one hour TV special though. I "know" all of this and yet knowing it and believing it seem to be two different things. I need to find a way to believe that I am an attractive person because of who I am. I think I need this for me because for some reason I honestly don't feel this way, and self doubt is not attractive. Perhaps that is my own obstacle that I place between myself and people who I may look to get involved with.

How do I get my views about others to apply to me as well? Why do I allow myself the double standard in regards to me?

Clutter

Change is never easy, but it usually is good. I am being reminded of this as I am turning my house upside down in preparation for a roommate. It has been a process of going through my house and moving things from room to room trying to free up the space needed for the new roomie. I am feeling that I'm close to being done with moving things around and yet I know there will be more to do when he moves in. 

I have been amazed in the process of moving stuff just how inefficient I am with my space. I am only one person here in the house and yet I have every room filled with something of mine. I know that this may sound like an obvious comment but it's not just the stuff one puts out for decoration. It's stuff that is personal like clothing, artwork, and gifts. It's like my life became a sprawl. With no reason (or apparently discipline) to keep things together, I have allowed it to go everywhere. As I'm writing this I'm reminded of one of my first posts that I wrote about keeping things clean. In the same line of reasoning I've allowed myself to become lazy and just leave things everywhere rather than keeping things concise for myself. I guess that there isn't anything intrinsically wrong with this but it seems somehow wasteful. It makes me wonder if my house were twice as big would I still be filling it up with crap? 

As I've prepared for this weekend and the move I have been consolidating my things. I have found many items that I didn't even remember that I had. Some things were donated and others simply thrown away. What I'm left with is a more streamlined and lightened me. It is interesting how I can feel lighter because there is less clutter around me. I have never been one that wanted to be in a messy house and yet with the sprawl my house was frequently in that state. Now I find that I'm keeping it clean most of the time. It is easy to keep it up when there isn't as much to mess it up. I think that having a roommate has already been a positive experience and he hasn't even moved in. 

Wasted space, wasted energy... I need to be more economical with my life. I think that this change is helping me to see that I'm not using my resources as well as I could be. I think this goes beyond the scope of my house and my belongings and is more about how I live. What if everything I did in my day had meaning of some sort rather than just filling it up random items? Does that mean that I would have no down time at all or would I simply be focusing on what is important? Where else am I being wasteful with my resources? It is time to do another inventory mentally and see where I can lighten my own load. 

If everything I did had meaning, then wouldn't that mean I'd always be living in the moment? 

Color Blind

Many years ago I met this really amazing guy. He was in great shape and loved to run all the time. He also loved to ride his bike around town and would break out into song as he rode down the streets. He made me laugh a lot and he would make me remember to not take life to seriously. One night, as I sat chatting with him and had some intellectually stimulating conversation, we began talking about an affliction of his. He was color blind. Apparently being color blind affects people in different ways and I was interested in how it was for him. Some people have blue and yellow, some can't see red or green, but they all have different ways that they do interpret these colors. He was more on the red green scale and I found it fascinating to talk to him about it. I have always loved color and see colors very vividly. The idea of someone not being able to distinguish colors just seemed alien to me.

We continued discussing how he perceived these colors and he discussed that they confused his head and became every other color of the rainbow. As light shifted the "color" shifted. He pointed out that he was particularly confused by browns and they could be constantly changing. . He began talking about his green sweater that he was wearing and I burst out with laughter. His sweater was brown, and more reddish brown at that and his outfit as a whole was eccentric looking because of it. He was stunned by my comment since he had no idea that the sweater was brown and honestly thought I was poking fun and teasing him. We continued to laugh and talk and he described his frustrations with trees because he couldn't "see" them. For him the tree never stayed still. The multitude of greens that changed as the wind rustled the leaves became to him every other color of the rainbow flickering. I believed that this would be a beautiful thing but he found only frustration in them. I drew what I imagined these trees to look like to him and used every colored pencil I had for the piece. In the end I showed it to him and he thought I was going to challenge him to tell him if the tree was brown or green. (He said he got in trouble once for drawing a tree in elementary school with a green trunk and a brown top). When I explained there was no green he smiled and asked me if I was sure, because it looked just like a tree to him.

I wonder if all of us have these perception quirks. Is the blue color that I see for the sky the same that someone else sees? We have both labeled that color, however we might see it, as blue but that doesn't mean it looks the same to each of us. How much do my perceptions affect my life? Pondering this idea I feel very disconnected others. I know that how I view the world creates my reality. My morals and values are all based on my own perceptions of the world. That doesn't make them right or wrong, it only makes them mine. So really we are all moving through life in our own separate worlds trying to make sense of it all. I think perhaps this is the part of finding a relationship that can be so difficult. I want them to have similar perceptions to my own so that I can connect with them. I want to be able to have them understand my reality better. Perhaps my own perceptions of the world are the biggest stumbling blocks to understanding others.

My friend seemed to have a better perspective on perceptions than I did. He would allow himself to tread on others perceptions and let them deal with their discomfort. Riding down the street on his bike belting out music caused many to react but it didn't affect him. He didn't internalize their negative or positive reactions but rather he enjoyed the song and continued living life. He even pulled me into his games as he convinced me one New Years Eve to wear nail polish. Participating in this act was even was jarring to me, but the point was made. People will perceive it in different ways and weather it be good or bad it is their stuff not mine. I found that even those who I was close with had big reactions to something as insignificant as paint on my fingers. Basically, I was reminded not to take myself too seriously and stop worrying what people thought.

I still find I'm looking outside for validation for who I am rather than looking to my own approval. I don't want my perceptions to be different from others. I want to fit in. I'm still not sure why that is an issue for me to this day. I need to try belting out a song while running or painting my nails again and be conscious of the fact that it is ok. Even if others don't approve or like it I can focus on me.

"No matter what they tell us 

No matter what they do 

No matter what they teach us 

What we believe is true....

....I can't deny what I believe

I can't be what I'm not."

-No Matter What, Boyzone

Spontaneous

Today was a great day! I must say that I'm surprised a little by this but there is good reason for it. I expected today to be nice, don't get me wrong, as I knew I'd be doing things with friends and just getting out of the house. However I got much more than I had expected.

I had planned to go and meet with a usual group of friends for brunch. The highlight of this outing was that it was at a different venue. In fact it was more of a social mixer for a commerce group. This seemed like a good thing since I'm always looking for new ways to meet people and there was a part of me that considered I might meet some new people there. After arriving and being branded with a name tag I began to feel a little out of place. There was a large group of us attending that didn't represent any commerce group and I wondered how we were being viewed. I didn't know the commerce group so I just tried to blend in and enjoy the brunch and wine tasting for what it was. However, I was pleasantly surprised when it was announced that the event was being co sponsored by a local social group along with the chamber of commerce. When I realized that this group had no interest other than being social I relaxed at once and started chatting with others around the room.

As the morning pressed on to the early afternoon I was told more about the social group and given information about joining. Such an unexpected turn of events and I was meeting several friendly people. I felt energized being around the new people and connecting with them. My friends whom I had initially joined for brunch had long since left, apparently content with knowing each other and not meeting anyone new. I was still enjoying the experience and making potential friends. I was offered an invitation to stop by one of the members house for an afternoon poker game he was hosting with the rest of the group. This almost seemed surreal to me and I had all sorts of "reasons" to not go. I didn't even know these people more than an hour. However, I decided to ride the wave of spontaneity and ended up having a fantastic day with people that I had never met before. I'm not sure what was better, the fun connection with new people or the crazy circumstances that led me to that point.

Reflecting on my day, I loved that all of the events, except the initial one, were spontaneous. They came out of me just taking what life handed me and going with it. I know that there were moments when I felt a little off kilter as I was in unfamiliar territory. However, there was an excitement to just going with the flow and not worrying about it. It felt like a gift. Perhaps again it was living in the moment and thinking about the shoulds or should nots that allowed me to enjoy the day. I know that there are many that would have thought it crazy to go and hang out with a group of strangers at a house shortly after meeting them. I too had those doubts flash in my head. But the reality was that I would not be doing it because I was afraid for irrational reasons. Doubts. So I jumped into life instead.

I loved meeting new people. I loved being able to just be. Again life is trying to teach me to live in the moment. Why is it so tough to stay there? Why is it so easy to forget the joys that are found in life by actually living rather than thinking.

Is it an oxymoron to try and plan to do something spontaneous each day?

Hunger

I am sitting here this evening pondering the question, "What am I hungry for?" I am not being in any way literal about this. This question was posed to me at a Weight Watcher meeting by one of the most inspiring leaders I've had. He made a point of repeating this question for three weeks. He asked us to think about this question and try to figure out our own answers. He did bring it up in relationship to food, it is Weight Watchers after all, but his point was that it is not about food. Most of us in that room, and I'd like to think that everyone at some point or other in their lives, identified with those moments that we are going through the kitchen searching for what we want to eat. I have done it on many occasions believing that I wanted something sweet. So I have some candy. I think, "No, that wasn't what I wanted.... perhaps something savory." So I eat some cheese and crackers. I think, "Hmmm, no, that wasn't right, maybe something creamy..." and it continues. And it continues and nothing seems to help so I try something else. Really their isn't any food at that point that will satiate me, and yet I would still go back looking for the food that would help. This moment is what this question is about. It is not what type of food am I hungry for but rather what is it I'm searching for and hoping to solve through the instant gratification of food. The answer is not in the kitchen. Figure out the answer to this, he challenged us, and you will no longer find yourself trying to solve it with food.

I think that perhaps right now there is something just out of my grasp that I'm searching for in my life. I don't know what it is and perhaps that is the problem. I feel somehow incomplete and I'm looking for something to fill the void. I want to be content and yet I'm not, even though I don't feel upset or bad about it. It's really a difficult thing to explain. It's simply a part of me that seems like it needs to be given attention to or filled. I can't say that I feel like this all the time but rather it comes and goes. It's a bit like a toothache that flares up to be sure you are listening and then fades back so that you can figure out a solution. I don't think I've been finding that solution so well.

The confusing part of this scenario is that I feel very fortunate in my life. I'm employed. I have a fantastic, loving family. I have many good friends who I know I could call on anytime of the day for support. I have a house. I have laughter. I have my health... and the list goes on. With all this I don't understand what is missing. True, I'm not in a relationship and I would really like that, but I have this feeling in my gut that a relationship is not what I'm missing. I have been in good relationships and the "hunger" has persisted.

This blog I think started because of that initial question of my leader. I believed that if I started journaling I would discover why I would at times stand and eat fifteen different things in the kitchen. I don't do that anymore by the way, but it just seems that the "hunger" has just been shifting because I have not found the source (tonight I'm "hungry" for cuddling up close to someone... but I am resistant to that since I have the wrong reasons). I do feel a bit frustrated because I'm not sure where I'm supposed to look to find the answer. I feel that I've been doing some pretty good soul searching the past couple of months and yet I still don't seem to have the answer. Am I still just hiding things from myself without knowing it?  Perhaps I'm still not truly happy with me. I do believe that the part that is missing is in me. Somehow I'm supposed to solve the riddle with only me as the clue. I know that I really need to figure out what it is I'm searching for and that it is probably not a physical thing. If this is the case how do I rectify the situation? How do I get to the point that I feel complete?

Curly: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and everything else don't mean shit.
Mitch: That's great, but what's the one thing?
Curly: That's what you've got to figure out.                                                    -City Slickers 

Should I stay or should I go....

Today the rain came. There is a peace that comes over me when it rains. The weather  makes me relax and smile as it touches my soul. The smell of the rain fills my nose and invigorates me with its clean and pure scent. I love listening to the white-noise as it drums on the ground outside. It seems to drown out all the problems of the world as it attempts to clear the air. I feel as though I am wrapped up in this weather and it fits me like a warm old blanket that is comforting. Rainy weather is truly one of the joys I have in life and i never understand how people get upset with it. The only thing that I would enjoy more than the rain is enjoying it with someone that I can hold.

Tonight I passed on offers to go out on the town. I found myself making the conscious decision to stay in because what I need right now is not going to be found in the noise pollution of a bar. It is Friday but I don't need to be going out to drink and keeping myself from thinking. Part of my difficulties in getting in touch with myself, as I've said, is that I keep getting off track. I go out usually because I start feeling better about my state of mind. But going out frequently leads me to ignoring my own needs and rituals and then I'm back to square one. Tonight by going out I would have sacrificed some down time in which I didn't have any plans. (odd that these times are something that I need to protect) Going out would probably have ended with me staying downtown with friends after drinking at the bars. This then would have caused me to have excuses to skip the run that I have planned for the morning. The spiral spins off and its all from something small. This is something I've done before. It's fun in the moment and then later on I wish I had made different choices. I know that staying home tonight was a sound decision on my part. (as I'm writing this I have friends continuing to text me to try and get me to go out...I should remember this in the times where I feel like I'm ignored) I still am trying to figure out how to balance being around people and being alone. I seem to not want to be alone often, but being around people too much seems to get me off track. Practice the balance. (I need to get back to yoga)

I don't have a lot planned this weekend and I think that it will be good for me to just do some things around my house. The rain is supposed to continue to fall on and off for the rest of the weekend. I think I will enjoy the cleansing, calming nature of it and relax. Life is good.

Vacation

I have been on vacation. I would love to say that this is true in a traditional sense of the word but really it's not that glamorous. I've really been taking a vacation from all of the rituals that I set up for myself over the past few months. I've stopped many of my routines in exchange for going out and meeting people. I've wandered away from the healthier eating that I've been doing to lose weight. And for all of this I can not say that I'm that much happier from it.

A couple of weeks ago I realized that there were many events that were coming up that seemed to revolve around "good eating". And so, I decided that I wasn't going to punish myself for eating at these events but rather just allow it. I have been good about not being down on myself for it but simply tried to remain aware of it. Last week I thought that it was time to start eating well again but that didn't stick. I was on "vacation" from eating right and as long as I was enjoying the destination I might as well stay a bit longer. Meanwhile, I've been changing my schedule a lot to try and get involved with more social events. I've really been enjoying going out and spending time with old friends and meeting new ones. The result of this is that I have less time for all of the personal routines that I enjoy. I have not made it to yoga in two weeks. I did not go running more than once in a week. I even found that I wasn't spending any time with just myself. It boiled down to taking a break from everything I was doing just a couple of weeks ago.

It is good that I've been in a state of mind where I'm able to notice what I'm doing even when I'm not making  the best choices. Today I realized it was time to come back from vacation. I realized that I was missing "home". So I summoned my willpower and went for a run. I quickly fell into my old habit that I had been trying to create. I was able to let my mind wander and I realized how much I missed this. I realized that taking a break really let me appreciate what I was getting out of these routines; from watching what I ate, stopping the exercise, and most importantly spending time alone to think. I think that this is really the point of any vacation, isn't it? Whenever I go on vacation there comes that point where I realize that while the trip is nice there is something even better about going home. I appreciate what my home and my life there has to offer that I can't get from vacationing.

I am now know how much I actually like all of the "work" that I've created for myself. I feel so much better when I'm focusing my energy on me. Tonight I find myself very relaxed and at peace. I took joy in spending time alone and remembered that this is just as important as being social. Perhaps I need to again move myself up on my priority list.

Now that I'm home I think it will be a while before I take another vacation.

Experienced

Last night I watched a TV show and the whole focus of the episode was the concept that all we have are our thoughts and experiences. It is a really interesting viewpoint that seems to resonate with me. I think it's really easy to get caught up in personal possessions and having nice things around. In fact I think that it's really easy to believe that I am happy because of some of my niceties. I assign value based on monetary value rather than true worth. However, I don't think that having all the the "stuff" in the world can create happiness in someone. If this were the case then there would be no people living in poverty that were happy and no rich people who were unhappy. (Ironically it would seem that the poor people are happy more often and the rich less so) Instead I think that happiness is born of our experiences of the world. 

Experiences are something that we take with us almost regardless of what happens to us. I have a wealth of happy memories that I can call upon and smile with. I treasure these. Sometimes I want there to be something more substantial to them, but having the memory should be and usually is enough. This is why I think that getting distracted on trips with taking a picture or buying a souvenir becomes almost counter productive. I suppose that people want the picture to spark a memory but this just seems odd to me. I don't remember my trip to the Butchart Gardens with my mom because of a picture I have. I do remember, vividly, standing with her and looking at the dancing fountains. I remember her holding my hand and getting a child-like smile as she recalled growing up and loving to watch the dancing fountains as a little girl with her father. And she lived her experience and passed it on to me all in one graceful motion. I smile and am embraced by the memory... the experience. 

Maybe I should be tapping into these past experiences more often and taking from them the small joys they have to offer. Perhaps I should realize the wealth I have in all of the smiles I've experienced with my friends and all the support I've received from them over the years. Cherish the memories and remember that these are a true wealth. With that in mind, I need to also make sure that I eat up life and all of the possible experiences that I'm offered. You only get one chance (unless you believe in a second go around) so it's best not to let things pass you by. 

I wonder what experience life will provide me with next.

Two

I've now been posting for two months. I'm learning a lot about myself and it is very calming to sit and just reflect on how my life is going. I still resist writing on some days, believing that I have nothing to say. The irony is that those days that I don't want to write I end up writing the most.

It is a bit odd putting all of my mind's thoughts out for the world to see. I've had some of my close friends actually comment that it's odd to read my thoughts because they feel like they are invading my privacy. My response has been the same each time, I'm choosing to post and I've offered it up to many so they could see what I think. So read it if you like. I hope that it helps others to reflect as well, because I'm getting a lot out of it.

Being so open in the journal is a really strong reminder that I don't need to hide who I am. I don't need to try and be whatever other people expect (frequently I feel that I'm not at all what people believe). I can only be myself and people can take me or leave me. I know that it is an ongoing battle to truly live for myself, but I feel that I'm one step closer through these self revelations. Putting all of this out there and hearing some people respond to the things I've said reminds me that we are all struggling to figure out this crazy thing called life. I am reminded that I should not assume I understand what someone else is thinking or feeling because I don't know what is going on in their head. Maybe it's just that I/we forget to have the important conversations anymore. I get so caught up in the day to day that I forget to stop and smell the roses. I forget to ask people what flower they like best or what their best memory is from growing up.

So let's see where month three leads me. I'm sure it will be enlightening.

Pets

I'd like to dedicate this post to the three little ladies that greet me and love me everyday. I'm speaking of my cats, and they are truly companions for me. Each of them is so full of personality that is distinctively their own. Somehow they know when they need to come and sit with me and be still. They are playful and will get in my way for attention when I ignore them too long. They remind me to take time and appreciate their presence and their love. They remind me that spontaneous play is a good and necessary thing. I love them as my family.

All of my life I have loved animals. When I was little I had some dreams of being a veterinarian. I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to help all the sick animals and make them better. My mother, wanting to protect me from disappointment, reminded me that while vets do help animals they can't always help. I think she was afraid of me getting hurt because she could see how sensitive I was to the lives of the animals around me. Perhaps she was right. I cannot imagine not being able to help an animal or worse seeing the ends of so many animals lives be it natural or not. I'm not sure what would be worse, the animals death or the animals family's grief. And I gave up the idea of being a vet and respect those that do it all the more.

All through my life I have had a pet of some sort or other. I have had animals of all shapes and sizes from fish to dogs, cats to snakes, and even a tarantula. I am awed by animals and their simple nature. I truly see them as happy beings and they don't seem to worry about anything. They just are who they are. I know that some may argue that it is because they are "simple" creatures and they just run on instinct. I have a hard time believing that. How does a dog know to come and sit by your side when you are depressed even when they don't normally do that. Why does a cat but heads with me and begin purring when I've had a bad day. I can't help but see these signs that they understand the emotions that I go through and want to be there for me. Doesn't this imply that they understand the emotions as well? When I spent over a month nursing Jacks back to heath, feeling my heart break every time I had to force food into the feeding tube she had implanted, she would resist. However she seemed to know that I was trying to help and tried to tell me how she was doing with her cat language. (I am grateful for her full recovery) I have asked many people the question as to whether birds enjoy flying. I'm always interested to hear the response because it would seem that few people ponder this or even think it is a valid question. Do they? I truly believe that they do. I think that animals feel emotions as we do and react to the world in their own ways. Next time you see a bird hovering on the wind, diving in and out of it and not moving forward, or watching the ground, ask yourself why. It has no reason to be doing this unless it just feels good.

Animals I find are a great reminder of how we all should live. I've seen several pictures and stories of animals that have crossed boundaries to help each other. Animals that selflessly help their owners by cheering them up or guiding their way. Cats helping dogs to live their lives. Deer finding a playmate in a orange tabby cat. A dog rescuing his friend from traffic. I believe that we all should take more notice of our family friends and learn from them. They seem to have this life thing pretty well figured out (many of them even have human servants waiting on them like mine do). Selfless love and compassion, living life to the fullest, napping and being alone often, eat when you are hungry, and snuggle with someone as often as you can, all can be learned if you pay attention.

In Memory:

Mandy - Childhood Dog
Scratches - Cat (trained herself to use a toilet!)
Ginger - Dog (best friend to Shadow) she was so sad after Shadows death
Shadow - Big black childhood dog... I smile thinking of her caring for scratches kittens one by one
Patches - Grey Manx
Hazel - Silly mutt that couldn't avoid cars
Mopsy - Childhood dog
Nutmeg - Childhood dog that saved me as a friend in high school...when I felt so alone
Killer - Sweetest dog that earned her name jumping from fear of a moving flower
Joseph - Red Tail Boa that decided it like the heating rock a little too much
Checkers - my first pet as an adult who taught me about pain, compassion, and death
Tonsils - Calico that loved me so, right to the end

Thank you to all of you for the love you gave myself and my family. Thank your for your lessons on life.

Paths

Tonight I listened to my aunt talk about her frightening experience over the weekend where she passed out in a casino. She didn't feel funny or know that anything was wrong. Her body just gave out and luckily she had no serious injuries from it although she did bump her head. The story was interesting and went on to describe the events following with EMTs and ambulances. I am happy that she is well.

A little while after hearing the story we had turned to joking about the casino and that she was slightly out of it after the fainting happened. We joked about her having won a jackpot and conveniently her memory was lost when she hit her head. Laughter. She shared the thought though that she had thought that she should have left the casino earlier so that she wouldn't have lost the money that she had at one point been up. She had been planning on leaving earlier. And the question came, what would have happened had she left then. Would the seizure have happened while driving back to Sacramento? Would the seizure not have happened? It can be fun to think about these alternate scenarios. Perhaps in a Star Trek episode we would go back and relive each on to see it's outcome. It's one of those hypothetical questions that you ask people to see how their brain works. But the reality is that she did have a seizure at the casino and this is the only path that will ever happen.

Sometimes looking back over past events in my life I am can be awed. I have looked for patterns or order and try to apply it to how the events took place. I may think about the night that I met my first love and realize that my relationship wouldn't have happened had I not been a tag-along to the group going to Magic Mountain. It was lucky that I had been there. Or I think about stumbling onto my house on the last day of its sale. If I hadn't been randomly driving in the area I wouldn't currently be living here. I know that events like these could be attributed to destiny or luck. I can call myself lucky when I look back at all the fun events like these and be amazed that I just happened to be there at the right place.

However, I think that these fortunate events are only amazing when looking at life as it has already transpired. They aren't quite as coincidental or amazing in the present. It's true that I may not have met my first love had I not gone to the amusement park. For the person I am now, and the memories I have, that is an horrible thought. I cannot imagine never having met him. But it is because all of the events DID happen that I feel this way. If I had never met him who knows what life I would have led or who my first love would have been. The coincidences of the past are only interesting because they led to this present.

It is for this reason that I have learned that I cannot have regrets in life. I know that I make decisions that may cause me grief or struggles. I may at times feel upset that I didn't make a wiser choice. However, good or bad I am made from these choices. Everything I do affects how I will be thereafter. If I like who I am now then I have to attribute it to all I've done before; all I've learned from mistakes and from joy. As I Look back and see things that I've done, I wouldn't change them because I wouldn't be me. I like who I am.

"The past is there to keep you strong, it's the map you draw your whole life long. You can hold it close, you can keep it dear but it will not help you get out of here. 'Cause it's just a map of the things you've done. All the choices made, every single one. But the past can't choose it can only guide, for the new to start open your heart out wide...."

-Convenience,  Gregg Coffin 

Worry

Today I was distracted and not exactly living in the moment. It's funny, it takes a reflection on my day to realize that I wasn't truly experiencing my day. A lot of my energy was spent on thinking about the possibilities of my evening. Over the weekend I had two small occurrences that seemed to rub people the wrong way. Neither of them were serious, and neither were intentional, but still I don't like creating dissonance with my friends and acquaintances. I knew that this evening I would be talking to them at a social gathering and so I was anxious.

Really the whole thing seems silly in retrospect. I did try and tell myself that as the day progressed but there was this unfinished business and I didn't know how it would be handled. It seems so difficult to let go of some things that my mind has fixated on. No matter how many times I reminded myself things were fine, my imagination insisted on playing out scenarios. I found myself a victim to my own thoughts and I even found myself upset as I imagined one of many outcomes. It seems to take a lot of work to try and calm my mind and bring it back to the present rather than the "what ifs." I wasn't very successful either. Perhaps this is why meditation and bringing yourself into the moment is considered practice. It is never something you perfect; always just practice. My mind seems to be untameable and wild sometimes. I wonder if I will gain more power to refocus on now if I continue to work at it. I know people who always seem peaceful and I wonder if their secret is that they are not worrying about things.

So the evening came and went and the dramas that I had imagined in my head never came to be. There wasn't much more than a shrug in all the talks of the evening. The wasted energy of the day was just that, wasted. I am not upset though because it is a good learning experience. Rather than letting the time be a complete loss and losing even more by dwelling in the past, I am going to take the lesson and move forward.

Worrying is not productive or helpful. Perhaps in my worries the thing to do is to find a way to confront them and not let it linger off in the future. Today I could have taken action and contacted the people I needed to talk to rather than fretting the day away while waiting to see them. This would have ended my mind's cycles and helped to actually move my day forward.

Maybe worry is just the embodiment of inaction. Perhaps it is just the product of being a victim of life rather than actually participating and forging my own path.

Lost

Tonight I did something that I had been wanting to do for a long while. I went with a group to a local corn maze (which I learned is the largest in the world). There is something that I have always loved about mazes and labyrinths so getting to go and play in one was fantastic to me. I was also able to go and do it with several of my good friends which made it all the more enjoyable.

A little bit confusing to me was that we were given maps to use in the maze right when we purchased the tickets. It was like having someone give me the guide to a video game as I'm purchasing it. If I want to play the game why are you giving me the solution? But it seemed like a good plan in that we might get lost and need some way to find our way forward. As we entered the maze the map seemed to take away from the maze. One of my friends immediately tuned into the map and was solving it as we walked in the first 100 yards of the maze. He was letting us know exactly which turns to take to navigate through and somehow this seemed to make me disenchanted with the maze. I wanted him to stop. I wanted to get lost a bit. Yes that was it, I wanted to be lost in this maze in the dark. So I stayed back a bit letting him get ahead and ended up with a smaller group of friends. As a small group we began trying to navigate the maze without the map. This seemed fun until we quickly became lost and couldn't seem to figure out what to do. It was frustrating and we had to puzzle it out admitting we didn't know where we were. So we turned back to the map and eventually enjoyed finding our way back on track.

So what is it about being lost that is appealing? It seems counter-intuitive to actually want to be without direction or a guide. I know that I truly was feeling upset about the fact that we were simply following a path on a sheet of paper at the beginning rather than forging through on our own. I don't even know what I was expecting but I wanted a little mystery. I wanted there to be a problem to solve. Perhaps I wanted it so that I could actually do something. So I helped to create a problem. My small group went off the grid for a few minutes and suddenly we were lost. The thought keeps occurring to me that perhaps it was a bit of drama that was created which annoys me because I don't believe that I like drama. At any rate, the maze became much more interesting and enjoyable after being lost. There was a problem to be solved and there was a path to find. I enjoyed talking it through with my friends and feeling the bond that we were all lost together. In the end I really enjoyed myself.

I wonder if I get myself lost in other parts of my life. Do I intentionally wander without the map so that I can create challenges for myself? Is that healthy? Why not just follow the map? I'm not sure I like the idea that I might be sabotaging myself to try and get lost. Perhaps though it is how I keep myself thinking and stretching. Maybe being lost gives me purpose. I have something to do and a reason to move forward rather than just following along. And when I am lost I find that there is so much more to take in. Tonight while I was lost I laughed with friends, I felt confused and anxious, I was thoughtful, I had a disco party in the middle of a corn field, and I persevered with friends. In a nutshell I had many experiences that made me feel alive. Maybe its the journey through being lost that is the excitement and the draw to it.

At the end of the evening I went back to the map. My friends and I found new purpose in the map, that I started out disliking, as we began to compete with others to get out of the maze. At this point I became my friend following turn by turn on a piece of paper striving for the goal. What had changed since the beginning when I wanted to throw the map out? I think that it was enjoyable because of the time that we were lost in the maze. In that time my group seemed to come together and have a commonality that we worked through. I connected with them. While I was lost I got to see things and see parts of the maze that I might have otherwise missed. In this way I think that I should get lost more often and explore the possibilities until I'm ready to find my own way.

Getting lost is the only way I will ever become found.

Cosmic

I've not been good about keeping up with my journal. I don't know if it's because it has been the two months and this is a natural point for me to slack off, (the last long journal keeping period was two months in case you didn't read the first post) or if it's just a point where I become lackadaisical. Regardless tonight I've decided to reaffirm my journaling goal and get back into the daily posts. It's not like there isn't more to write about. Perhaps my subconscious is just testing my resolve.

I have been reflecting on why it is that I am tested on things soon after I begin to work on them. I start going to yoga and then have several nights that I can't go due to other plans. True some of these are choices or plans I made but others are placed onto me. And I find myself needing to see if I can return to the goal. If I can still keep going to yoga even after I've been out of the cycle for a few sessions. Am I just testing myself or is there some cosmic force guiding this? Apparently now my mind wants to pour over the idea of "God".

To those that know me I'm not very spiritual; at least not in the accepted concept of the word. I don't talk about god or a higher power. I don't pray for people when they are sad or in a tough situation. I do offer my condolences, my sympathy, and my ear to them. I find a connection with everyone around me and that in many ways is my spirituality. I don't find solace in the idea that I will be rewarded after I die for good deeds. Instead, I think it is in the good deeds and the feelings, or the satisfaction I have in myself, that is the reward. Here and now my connection with people and the world, be it in spoken word, emotions, contact or just to be in their presence, is how I define my spirituality.

I think that so many people miss what is going on around them while praying or thinking of the "afterlife" that they miss life! Why isn't all the amazing stuff that is around us right now not enough? Why is there a need to look for something more? I think that the amazing sight when the sun breaks over the horizon, or the smell of rain as it begins to fall, or the warm embrace of a hug, or the sound of the thunder boom is enough. The laughter with a friend that makes your whole being smile. This is life. And I don't understand why people want to worry and think about what will happen next. Enjoy now!

"They are pursuing nothing at all," said the switchman. "They are asleep in there, or if they are not asleep they are yawning. Only the children are flattening their noses against the windowpanes." 

"Only the children know what they are looking for," said the little prince.  

 The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint Exupery

I know my viewpoints can be unpopular and frightening to some people. The idea that there is just an end at death is not taken lightly. However, as I see it, an equally scary thought when it comes to the afterlife is, "What if there isn't one?" If this life is all there is wouldn't it be sad to have wasted it hoping and praying for the next big thing? What if in the end so many are wrong and there is nothing more. You wouldn't know it since you'd be gone, and yet you would never really have lived. I think that this is where religion and I have  separated ways. I see far too many people that are so concerned with what their religion is telling them to do that they lose sight of themselves and where they are now. Many religions even seem harp on the idea that  people should be miserable now and that they will be rewarded later. I don't know, that seems wrong to me. I don't want to do a bunch of stuff that is going to make me miserable with no compelling rationale. I know that there are some people that thrive in religion and use it as a basis for their beliefs but still think for themselves. For these few, I think that religion is an amazing power. But then those people are usually still living their own lives.

In the end, I believe that I live what a religious person would believe to be a good life (except those religions that want to bar me from being in a loving relationship with a man because I am a man). I help those that I can in need. I treat others with fairness and respect as I would want to be treated. I try to be aware of the needs of those around me and where possible put their needs first. With this in mind if there is an afterlife perhaps I will be rewarded for that. However, I don't do these things waiting to be rewarded. I do them for myself. I do these things because they allow me to be happy with myself. To be happy. This is my spirituality. It is my acknowledgement of my connection with others. It is understanding that we all are here and can experience so much if we are willing to pay attention.

Personally I'll enjoy the here and now without worrying about the what if's of tomorrow.

Limits

Today I ran 6 miles. I will admit that when I left my house it was later than I had intended. I was involved in the all too familiar battle in my head of finding excuses not to go. Will the voice that keeps me from going ever just give up? So as I hit the road my intention was to do a short loop and come back home. The run felt good. The air outside was slightly cool and I was moving in a way that I knew I wasn't going to tire quickly. This is where that voice in my head came back...

I set a limit for myself saying that I couldn't do a long run because the sun is setting and it would soon be dark. This satisfied me for a few minutes and then a small voice in my head asked "why?" Why can't I run even in the dark. Years of advice came back to me and the rationale of, "running at night is not safe," was haunting me. But I'm alert; I'm wearing bright colors. So I thought damn the limit, I'm going to run. And I did... and the voice came back. The road I'm heading too isn't safe since there aren't sidewalks. I should turn on a road that is closer. Again, I began to acquiesce and that little voice in my head came back louder. "Why?"  I have no good reason other than doubt. I have no reason except that I'm beginning to feel the tiredness of the run. Those damn self imposed limits. So I threw the limits in the gutter and I ran. I ran and wore my body out and got that fantastic runners high. I didn't have any close calls with cars and I even made it home before twilight ended. Six miles.

I think that I place limits on myself as excuses. Let me say that I don't think all limits are bad. There are things that I should do to keep balance in my life. So I do need to create some order through limits. The problem is that sometimes I believe, no I know, that these limits begin to truly be excuses. My brain establishes the limits to keep me from having to work too hard on something. These limits are set to keep me from having to deal with discomfort. However they also are keeping me from striving for something better. And it is amazing that I can convince myself that they are reasonable because after all, aren't limits good? I shouldn't be holding myself back!

I notice that a lot of these limits are tied to advice I've been given throughout my life. For example, I still have this ingrained idea that I need to eat Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner even when I'm not hungry. Why? Can't I eat when I'm hungry? Can't I skip eating when I'm not? I limit myself to an antiquated idea that perhaps doesn't work for me. It should be ok that I don't follow that rule. That limit doesn't need to apply. The idea that it's not safe to run at night is based in fear. However it can just be that I need to use caution, not that I should limit myself and not do the run. Perhaps I need to listen more to that small voice and give it more power. It is the rational voice that wants the best for me. Perhaps this is also part of letting go of the social need to fit into what the "norm" and just be myself.

I think the challenge then is to know the difference. To realize that things can be uncomfortable and that may be a good thing. I may be the better for it. And for the second time I will quote, "I think I'll try defying gravity"

Laughter

So I've been gone from this blog for a few days but I'm back to being able to post again. The past weekend  was busy but really fantastic and I'm feeling great. Once again I was able to escape down to Disneyland and have a relaxing and fun time with friends. I went with one of my closest friends and it really made the trip that much better. She helps me to just laugh at things that occur around us and see the fun in life. Once I arived back at home I was able to be productive around my house in preparation for the work week. Finishing off the weekend I had a fantastic date. (I'm thinking it will lead on to more fantastic dates)Part of the date was spent watching Despicable Me and that just made me laugh and enjoy myself all the more. It's amazing how silly humor made for kids can be just as funny as an adult when with the right person.

I think the thing that struck me most this weekend is the amount of time I spent laughing. I find myself laughing often when I am with my friend that I traveled with. She and I seem to just relax into situations and see things with that childlike clarity. Stupid events tend to be met with hilarity. We laugh about things that are comical and about things that are unfortunate. Perhaps it is the fact that we both just take things as they come when we are together. I don't know that I've ever gotten angry around her or shared anger with her. In fact I can only name a couple of times that there were other emotions than that of joy. And even sadness is short lived. We laugh off whatever life throws in front of us.

Perhaps laughter is a little like silence. It is a state of mind and relaxation in which have to be totally comfortable to realize. I know that there is the concept of nervous laughter but that isn't truly laughing to me. It doesn't start in your stomach, filling your chest, crawling across your cheeks going deep into your eyes. It doesn't bring about the euphoria that goes along with a true laugh. It's these moments that I love. When laughing nothing else matters and I don't think that in that moment I'm thinking about anything else. I'm just laughing. I have to be totally at ease to let it in. I can't be worrying about how anyone else is seeing the situation. I think the best laughter comes when I just take things as they are and enjoy them and this frame of mind really is best reached when you are comfortable with those you are with.

Like silence, being able to settle in and let it surround you and open up your thoughts, laughter is best achieved with those that you connect with. As I'm getting older and looking over my relationships, both romantic and friendly, I notice that there are not many that I regularly laugh with. Perhaps being able to laugh with someone is a sign of a successful relationship. If a relationship is too forced to allow the laughter then maybe I'm not really connecting with that person. Why am I still trying to keep them close to people that I don't laugh with? Is it a hope that I will reach the point where I don't care so much what they think and can simply enjoy life with them? I know that my relationships are different with those who I regularly laugh with; they are stronger and healthier. And I find myself asking if I need more people to laugh with?

I think I'm already fortunate with the friends that can laugh with me about anything. Is it ok to be greedy and hope constantly for more of these treasures? I ask this and yet I'm still trying to discover one more that I can laugh with.

Balance

Again, thanks to exercise, I began reflecting on things in my life and how I am doing. This time it was not running that gave me the epiphany, but in yoga. Actually, I must say that yoga is both the best and worst time to think. I am so open to allowing thoughts and feelings to take hold I have some truly clear moments of thought (I once again had a brief glimpse of myself where I didn't quite recognize me). The down side is that during yoga my one focus is to try and rid my mind of thought and simply focus on the present and the stretch. Processing my life is a pleasant yet distracting result of it. Regardless of where it happened it kicked my mind into thinking about balance.

I have to question if I have been missing balance in different aspects of my life. I know the saying "everything in moderation" which is really just another way to stay keep things balanced. Don't over do it on anyone thing and you will be happy and healthy. During yoga this adage is apparent in simply trying to stand on one foot as you are slowly shifting your center of gravity. It strains the body to keep yourself from going one way or another and getting out of alignment. Anyone who has watched someone balance, or done it themselves,  and start to slip knows of the chaos that results from even a slight tremor. Becoming unbalanced causes a natural reaction in life to sway the other way, often much too quickly, causing further unbalance. So again you correct, or rather over correct again in the opposite direction. This just seems to amplify until finally the balance is lost and you fall.

I can apply this concept of balance to many things that I've done in my life. I know that I have at times alienated friends because I didn't keep the relationship in check. I didn't maintain balance for myself and my needs, or perhaps I didn't express what I wanted from the friendship so I felt slighted. So I shift my weight in a quick reaction. Suddenly I find that I'm now moving away from the friendship trying to find the balance in myself because of a knee jerk reaction. Again, this is not the way to maintain balance. This type of movement just begins that downward spiral which ends in losing control. I've found that it's not easy to get back up onto that one foot again and rekindle the friendships after I've fallen. In fact I think that it's tough to bring myself back to center and start again regardless of what I am trying to balance.

Similarly I've had "balance" issues with eating and my weight. I have tried eating healthy to the point that I begin denying myself and the balance tremor hits. Before I know it I'm swinging the other way eating anything and everything I can. And the cycle goes back and forth until I've fallen and I'm not even paying attention anymore. So then I get up and try again. But the cycle must have an end. There are people that have found balance so what is the secret?

What is it that creates balance? I know that when this question entered my mind during yoga (as I was attempting to move from tree pose to dancer) I reminded myself to not think about the balance. Instead of trying to balance myself and fumble with where exactly my weight should be centered I decided to forget about it and just focus on myself and my breath. Breathe. It is amazing to me that when I successfully did this I had no problems maintaining the balance. I don't think that this means that I need to ignore the balance issues. I think it indicates that I need to focus on myself and trust that I will direct my body (and perhaps life) in the direction it needs to go. Over thinking of how to get myself balanced just causes more problems while just relaxing being seemed to solve it.

Perhaps I need to "just be" more and think a little less. I should let life take me on the journey and not think too much about where I'm going or how I'm getting there. Just breathe and keep balance.

Brief

I don't find that I have a lot on my mind today. I'm writing more to keep me in the habit even though I'm not sure what to say. The day was good and fulfilling. I had a nice evening with friends watching The Amazing Race and talking about nothing in particular. Perhaps that is part of the fun. I don't think I thought about things I needed to do at home or work or anything else in my life. I was happy to just be there at the party with friendly folk.

Finishing off my evening I am feeling the excitement of getting to know someone for the first time. There is some unique spark in learning about someone and finding things that I have in common with them that is just fun. There is a little bit of danger in not knowing much about them and that is thrilling in its own right. Things may go well or turn south but the learning about them is exciting and I have hopes for good things to come. Is the hope part of the fun or separate. Who can tell?

And now I am sleepy and have not much more to say. So to the world I say good night and I look forward to what tomorrow brings!

Stretch

The act of stretching is something that anyone can do and yet I don't think I do it often enough. Physically speaking I think everyone at some point or other has done the standard lean over and touch their toes (or attempt it since being limber seems to be far away for me). I actually enjoy the sensation of a stretch. I can feel the muscle pulling against itself, resisting the elongation. Breathing out I can sense the muscle relax and slowly reach farther. There is some discomfort to this process and I have to push my body and muscles to make it worthwhile, but after the process I feel more relaxed and more in tune with myself. Even though the stretch can be painful at times I notice the sensation and ignore it and enjoy the benefit I know I am getting.

The act of stretching though is more than just this physical act. I think that mentally stretching is equally important and challenging. Stretching aspects of my life does take work and it requires focus. I feel myself resist the change and the pull of some of my new practices. For example trying to let go of negative influences and allowing my mind to stay in a positive mindset does take work. I can feel my mind pull away and try to remain in it's normal "comfortable" state. However I think that it is the same as stretching a muscle and I need to allow myself to notice any discomfort and acknowledge that it is change. Really it is the same practice as yoga but it is how I'm stretching to interact with life rather than with my muscles.

I tell students that when they are learning it should be uncomfortable. Much like stretching there is a resistance to what you are learning. It is this very feeling though that lets us know that we are creating change. The discomfort I believe comes from being in unfamiliar territory and adjusting to it; much like a muscle resists being stretched longer than its resting state. Why should I be resistant to that. Instead I should be embracing it and enjoying the stretch. Letting my mind relax and embracing the new perspectives can make the stretch enjoyable.

Stretching the mind and body feels good. I should do it more often.

Accolades

I've had a great weekend full of friends and great food. The Kitchen was an experience that I won't soon forget. Not only was the food phenomenal but the atmosphere could not have been better. It's amazing when you can be in a place where everyone is open to each other. The staff were so nice and easy to interact with it felt like they were friends almost. In addition the people that were there for dinner all seemed to just be friendly. Perhaps it was the shared love of food or just a safe environment. It makes me wonder why people can't just be friendly all the time. Why in social context do people not always seem this friendly and genuinely nice?

I have been doing meditations and I've started to really focus on thinking about what energy I'm putting out into the world. I know that it's not a tangible or measurable thing but it does exist. I witness it when I get a smile back from people or just a boost in my own day. I think that it is equally important to monitor what energy I am taking in from people. It is far too easy to get caught up in negative energy and then deal it back out. I see this a lot with people who I know that thrive on drama. They want to get a rise out of me and to join in the conversation. I think that it is detrimental to my mood to join in though. I need to focus on letting their energy roll off of me and seek out other positive energy. If I truly feel that life is good then I need to live that.

I know that I've mentioned it in a few posts lately but I continue to think about not taking anything personally. I think that it is a challenge for me that I see would make a positive change in my life. I would love to have my gratification come from my self and my own praise rather than looking for it from others. Perhaps one step on this journey would be to not bring up accomplishments in conversation. I have been using Facebook, for example, to get accolades for my distance running. Why? I shouldn't need the approval from anyone but myself. I think I will limit my posts to my own achievements. For example I can post that I'm going running(perhaps I can inspire someone) but I don't need to use the facts and figures in the posts. I am enjoying the connection that I get with people from making posts but I need it to be just that. Social is fine but validation needs to stop.

It's very difficult to take in information, positive or negative about myself and not internalize it or make it personal.

Tacking

I made a tough decision today that I didn't like making.

I had decided a few months ago that I was going to sing with the men's chorus here in town and I was excited about it. The thought came to me after seeing their performance and really enjoying the choral music. In college I had been in the choruses and it was great. It is a moving experience for me to hear the creation of the chords and the music through a group of voices. So three weeks ago I went to the first rehearsal and had a good time. I was nervous and felt out of place but I know that it was just nerves. I was also told about all that is expected of the members in the group including time commitments and costs. By the end of the evening I had some doubts.

I think that I had underestimated how much my life had been changing since I had first thought that I would be joining the choruses. One of the biggest things was that my relationship ended and I once again became a single man. It's funny how this one thing can greatly change my interaction with the world. I exploded out of the relationship into a social mode that I had apparently been suppressing. I began integrating exercise more fully into my daily routine. In addition, I began focusing more on myself (hence the blog that I'm writing this in). I think this self discovery is what has lead me to realize that I need to not commit myself so much at the moment. I'm enjoying the self discovery and I'm afraid  I may distract myself from the process by becoming too busy for it.

So tonight I finalized a growing thought that I needed to change direction. I needed to not be committed to the choruses at this time. It's not that I don't see the benefits for myself being involved with them. It's not that I do not enjoy singing in a group like this. It's not any one thing that has caused this. I just have realized that it is something that I shouldn't be doing at this specific time because I can't give what I should to it. And yet, even with the knowledge that I am doing what I believe is best for me, I feel badly about leaving the group. As I turned in my music tonight, it felt a bit like telling someone that you don't want to date them. They want you to tell them why and you end up floundering with the poor, but sometimes accurate response, "It's not you it's me." I don't know why exactly, but I do know that something is off with this "relationship" and if it isn't working then I should act and move from it somehow. I feel that I'm letting people down even though I know that this isn't really true. I feel like I am going back on a commitment even though it's still within the time that people are "feeling out" the group. Most of all the people that I have met or am friends with I fear will be disappointed in me. And so I find myself both comfortable in my decision and upset about it.

It's amazing to me how much I want approval from others. I know that I shouldn't need it but I still want it. For those who have read The Four Agreements this is the hardest of them for me: Take nothing personally. My friend pointed out to me today that it is almost unnatural for us to do this since we are sensitive beings. I agree. The challenge is not to ignore compliments or insults or disappointments but rather to not internalize them and have them affect your own emotions and moods. And I still struggle with it.

I will probably struggle with this aspect for all of my life. I just hope that I get better at it.

Images

Today I had an odd experience and it happened at the simplest of moments. I decided that I would try Yoga and take a class at my gym. I enjoy stretching before my runs and I have even been known to just stretch in the park on a sunny day so yoga seemed like it was a natural fit. The experience of the class was definitely positive. It is amazing how much physical and mental energy I called upon and used to stay relatively still. It's amazing how much I could sweat keeping my body still. Breathing. Focusing on my body position and muscles. Stretching. Pushing. Relaxing. Breathe.

It was during the class, as we were doing the cobblers pose, that I suddenly became aware of my body. I found myself looking down at my arms holding my feet and I didn't recognize them. In fact I didn't recognize my legs. It was a weird sensation. I realized that I was looking at my arms and yet they weren't matching the image in my head. My legs were not the way I remembered them. I know this may sound crazy, but the more I reflect on it the more natural it seems. I was actually seeing my body for a brief moment rather than just acknowledging it.

I think that I have developed a self image that I don't realize is in my head. I have now been working on my weight for much of my adult life; sometimes I'm down and sometimes I'm up. In the process of working on my weight I don't think that I ever let in the image of my body. Perhaps it is protection from myself when I'm heavy. Perhaps it's just easier than accepting that my body is constantly changing. Regardless of the reason I don't think I have allowed myself to see the changes which is not a good thing. If I don't see myself when I'm gaining weight then I won't correct the actions. Conversely, if I don't acknowledge the good I'm doing for my body I lose heart and stop pursuing a healthier weight. So not acknowledging change is keeping me from moving forward.

Recently I saw a picture of myself when I weighed the least of my adult life. It was only after five years had gone by that I noticed how thin I was. Funny how even though I was in great physical condition and at a low weight I still never thought of myself as thin. I can look into the mirror daily and perform tasks such as tying my tie, shaving, and brushing my teeth yet I don't really look at myself. I think I just acknowledge it's me and put the image I expect to see there in the mirror. I don't see me. I see what my mind thinks is me. Perhaps this is a part of the journey into a healthier self that I have missed.

How do I allow myself to reset my image of myself and see where I am now? Is it possible to let go of the illusion that I'm keeping in my head? I want more of the moments I experienced tonight because I liked the change that I saw.

I wonder if there are other images of myself, not literal ones, that I have held onto even though I've changed.

Inspired

So today I had the privelege of watching a video on youtube. It was the story of one guy and how he overcame his weight problem through action. A truly an inspiring video that I went on to share it with many of my friends. It would seem that everyone who saw it was inspired. I think for me it was the simple message he was putting forward. "If you want to do it, then just do it." This is how I want to live. See the video here...

So I decided, feeling motivated and inspired, to go running again tonight. Really the video didn't inspire the run, since I had already been planning on a run however I was moved and decided to set a goal farther than I had before. Years ago when I was running I did longer distances than I have been able to lately in my running. I decided to dig deep and go a farther distance because if I choose it I can do it. So I told the world (thanks FaceBook) that I was going to go run five miles. It was the video and the knowledge that I had made a commitment that allowed me to do it. In fact the running was easy. My mind was set. And I ran and I thought about inspiration.

What is it to be inspired? I think that just about anything can cause inspiration if you are looking for it. I have a folder, for example, of men that are in good physical shape similar to my body type that I use to inspire myself into my own weight loss. The weather can inspire me to take a trip to the park. Friends encouraging me to work out with them are inspiring. All of these things CAN inspire and yet normally I don't let them in. I don't look for them to get me moving.

How is it then that a stranger, who I've never met, can not only inspire me but cause me to go farther than I had before. He doesn't even know that he did that! What is it that caused it to sink in? Sure he did something incredible physically with his weight loss. That alone is impressive. However, I think it is what he is proving about his mental power that truly inspired and moved me. Watching the video one friend said, "Wow he could hurt himself running with all of that weight!" And I thought that this reaction is the point. He didn't listen to the shouldn't and can't comments. He decided to change and he did. And happiness ensued. Life is good. (I love that even that is in the video). Anyone who has tackled change in their life knows that the ultimate challenge is to overcome the doubt in our own minds. Going against what we are told or convinced ourselves to believe and truly make the change happen is monumental. This is how his story inspired me.

I think that the challenge of getting motivated is to find these inspirations in everyday life. Seeing a person jogging after school, because that is the only point in the day that they have the time, should make me  respond with realizing that I too should make things a priority. Noticing someone who has been able to create change in their life should cause me to realize that I too can be change. And the ultimate inspiration should be the one that we all see in the mirror and forget about. I've done many things that I should be proud of and I should be inspired by... I should be my own inspiration to change and move.

It's time to try Defying gravity 

I think I'll try Defying gravity 

And you can't pull me down!... 

I'm through accepting limits 

'cause someone says they're so 

Some things I cannot change 

But 'till I try, I'll never know! 

Too long I've been afraid of 

Losing love I guess I've lost 

Well, if that's love 

It comes at much too high a cost!  

I'd sooner buy Defying gravity 

Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity 

And you can't pull me down

-Defying Gravity, Wicked

I think my best part of the day was my own inspiration because I didn't stop at five miles but instead went one more to six.

Scheduled

Tonight I'm wondering why I have a need to fill up all of my time. I dislike not having anything to do, even for short periods, because I then feel like I'm wasting time or I feel lonely as I mentioned yesterday. However, I frequently find myself on the other end of the spectrum where there is so much going on that I feel I never have any down time to just relax and be. Why isn't there balance to this part of my life? Is it because I'm making plans for the wrong reasons?

I do wonder sometimes if my over scheduling of time is to avoid working on myself. I know that I am taking time to write this journal and so that is a step in the right direction. Should I be scheduling more me time and less "doing" time? Perhaps being alone and working on the idea of "What am I hungry for?" is more difficult that trying to juggle 15 different tasks and groups. This thought was born of my conversations today with my friend about my schedule. Over the past week I've become increasingly aware that I'm getting involved with so many activities that I am not leaving any wiggle room for just hanging out with myself or friends.

I suppose my need to be social has become fueled by the past 6 months where I did not scheduled much at all. Actually for the past year I did a lot of staying home and futzing around on the computer to pass the time much like a hermit. Now that I'm starting to bloom into the social world again I think that I'm doing overkill. As it stands now I'm involved in three groups that meet at least once a week. THREE!!! So that leaves 4 days free to do things and these get eaten up quickly by friends and fun events. On top of these scheduled events there is also my exercise that I've committed to and I feel I'm letting slip. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate and make some cuts before I'm forced to swing back into the non social catatonic place that I just came out of.

I think that being overly busy is just as bad, if not worse, than being under busy. I want balance. I want to know what balance is. I want one evening a week of downtime. Not hanging out with friends even, just down time... and I don't want it "scheduled." Perhaps it's time to make another list and sort out my time like I've sorted out my chores. (BTW I got to knock off two more off my list of unfinished items, yay!)

If I get more in touch with me perhaps I won't need to make all these plans to try and fill up my time.

Loneliness

My weekend has been good and quite productive. I had a great evening on Friday starting at my favorite restaurant, Bandera, and ending with good company, wine and a movie. Saturday was mostly a productive day working on the front yard which is very close to being finished and then cleaning the garage a bit. I also spent some quality nap time with the cats after working in the yard. Dinner with my friend was good and low key. Today again was a nice day where I did more chores and finishing up around the house. Then there was bowling with so many fun people including a friend that just came to chat. 

All this being said, I've been thinking a lot about the concept of loneliness. It's an odd emotion or state of mind that I don't fully understand. Today I've felt lonely many times and I have no reason for it that I know. And yet the emotion that I feel is sort of an emptiness or space that I need to fill...

"Loneliness is a feeling in which people experience a strong sense of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is often compared to feeling empty, unwanted, and unimportant."  -Wikipedia.org

What I don't understand is why this feeling comes on. I am not lacking in friends or people that I can call on. In fact there are many people that if I were to call I could go and see them at any time of day. But then the loneliness doesn't seem to be about that. It's odd since I think a person can feel lonely even with a group of people. I'm wondering if loneliness is less about people and more about feeling wanted or involved.

I know that when I was feeling lonely today my thoughts went to the fact that I'm home alone. Sure I was doing things around the house with the cats but I wanted to be doing things with people. I think a sort of self pity took over and that took me into the lonely. (yes now I think it's an entity) Even as I'm writing this I'm remembering just a few days ago writing about the power of being alone and enjoying it. So what was different today? Am I not wanting to be alone with myself? Is there a fear of not doing something all the time and just being still.

A still scarier question : why do I apparently need to have people trying to plan things with me? I think it's this last one that came to me and struck a chord. I think I have a fear of not being liked by people or passed up. And I want to rally against this. It is just easier to go into the dark lonely and believe that I'm home not doing anything because I don't affect people. Hmmm that is interesting, is it a fear of not being noticed? Why am I so concerned anyway? I know that I have close friends and I know that I don't need to be around people all the time.

A final thought I've had repeatedly is that I should enjoy being with just me. The focus should not be on how many people are around or what fun things I'm doing with them. Quality time can still be had with or without others. I was productive and successful with my two days off of work and that should be my focus.

I wonder if in a few days I'll be complaining that I have no time to myself.

One

So here I am, one month has gone by. I think that the journal is helping me to connect with myself. Some nights I have to make myself write and then the words flow. It's a lot like anything that is good for me. I don't really want to do it but once I start I enjoy myself. So I will continue to write and continue to see what my mind is pondering day by day.

In the past month I think I've really been trying to focus more on making me important. This is not meant to be egotistical or self centered but rather a way to help myself be all I can be. I have noticed that I have a much more positive outlook day by day. I smile more and complain less. I'm getting into great shape as I've applied my discipline practices to my work out routines and I'm now actually doing something active six days a week. I feel fantastic. I see lots of positive change.

This next month I believe it's continuing the momentum that will be a challenge. I need to find a way to keep the energy going and not fall into a routine that bores me. I already have found one new thing to do; I'm going to try yoga. I look forward to see where the journal and my writing will take me.

Life is good.

Moments

"This was just a moment in the woods,
shimmering and lovely and sad...."

Today I had a really nice run. I always listen to music when I run because it keeps my body in a beat and moving. Sometimes I think that music can impart its own energy into me. I don't know why this is but it does help when running several miles. What I've started to notice is that the run is becoming more a time for my mind to process things than just an exercise of the body.

I've had a couple of runs now that were quite productive, mentally speaking. After the initial shock for my body of, "Dear god here he goes again... Does anyone in here know why he has us running? Is something chasing him? Are we trying to get somewhere because I think we're going in circles!?" Yes, after that shock wears off I get into the rhythm and then a calm where I can think about things thoroughly, without distraction. I find myself pouring over things I need to do and get lost in planning ways to solve whatever is on my mind. Today it was working on a newspaper project that I'm needing to do with my students and I am really excited about what I brainstormed. It felt great to come up with a plan that I can use to take action.

I also had time during the run where I wasn't thinking much about anything. I used these times to consciously try and be in the moment. This is never an easy thing to do. Just opening up and experiencing what is going on around myself without thinking about what I did earlier or what I am going to do later takes a lot of mental effort. There are brief moments where I succeed and I'm awed by all that is around that goes unnoticed. And it's normally the stuff that I think gets dismissed as unimportant: Feeling the temperature on my skin change as I move from the sun to the shade and back again, the smell of the mud where the water is pooling, a bird chirping up on a tree branch, the colors that the leaves are starting to turn, a slight breeze on my skin, water dripping from my elbow.... And in those brief moments that I am witness to I smile and remember that life is good.

However you can't live in a single moment. Moments are fluid and move with time; ever changing. If a moment is frozen and time were to stand still then it would no longer have any substance. I think this is what bothers me about taking pictures of events all the time. These frozen moments don't really hold much interest for me. They can inspire memories of what was actually happening but frequently I find them empty. Furthermore, it would seem that some people sacrifice an actual experience to take lots of small potentially meaningless snapshots. I believe that the most important thing about a moment that you are experiencing is seeing and feeling the change that it makes in your life. It is the awareness of change that causes you to truly appreciate it.

I think this is the challenge of living in now. The moment is not static. Now is not static. It is not something that you can hold onto. It is always moving forward at the speed of life and never staying still. This makes keeping pace with it difficult. It's easier to race ahead and see what is down the road or to look in the rear-view mirror and see what is behind than to keep at the speed limit. However, in those small moments where I do stay in the now I find happiness. Life is good!

"Oh if life were only moments, 

even now and then a bad one. 

But if life were only moments

 then you'd never know you had one... 

Let the moment go... 

Don't Forget it for a moment though."

-Into the Woods, Stephen Sondheim