Limits

Today I ran 6 miles. I will admit that when I left my house it was later than I had intended. I was involved in the all too familiar battle in my head of finding excuses not to go. Will the voice that keeps me from going ever just give up? So as I hit the road my intention was to do a short loop and come back home. The run felt good. The air outside was slightly cool and I was moving in a way that I knew I wasn't going to tire quickly. This is where that voice in my head came back...

I set a limit for myself saying that I couldn't do a long run because the sun is setting and it would soon be dark. This satisfied me for a few minutes and then a small voice in my head asked "why?" Why can't I run even in the dark. Years of advice came back to me and the rationale of, "running at night is not safe," was haunting me. But I'm alert; I'm wearing bright colors. So I thought damn the limit, I'm going to run. And I did... and the voice came back. The road I'm heading too isn't safe since there aren't sidewalks. I should turn on a road that is closer. Again, I began to acquiesce and that little voice in my head came back louder. "Why?"  I have no good reason other than doubt. I have no reason except that I'm beginning to feel the tiredness of the run. Those damn self imposed limits. So I threw the limits in the gutter and I ran. I ran and wore my body out and got that fantastic runners high. I didn't have any close calls with cars and I even made it home before twilight ended. Six miles.

I think that I place limits on myself as excuses. Let me say that I don't think all limits are bad. There are things that I should do to keep balance in my life. So I do need to create some order through limits. The problem is that sometimes I believe, no I know, that these limits begin to truly be excuses. My brain establishes the limits to keep me from having to work too hard on something. These limits are set to keep me from having to deal with discomfort. However they also are keeping me from striving for something better. And it is amazing that I can convince myself that they are reasonable because after all, aren't limits good? I shouldn't be holding myself back!

I notice that a lot of these limits are tied to advice I've been given throughout my life. For example, I still have this ingrained idea that I need to eat Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner even when I'm not hungry. Why? Can't I eat when I'm hungry? Can't I skip eating when I'm not? I limit myself to an antiquated idea that perhaps doesn't work for me. It should be ok that I don't follow that rule. That limit doesn't need to apply. The idea that it's not safe to run at night is based in fear. However it can just be that I need to use caution, not that I should limit myself and not do the run. Perhaps I need to listen more to that small voice and give it more power. It is the rational voice that wants the best for me. Perhaps this is also part of letting go of the social need to fit into what the "norm" and just be myself.

I think the challenge then is to know the difference. To realize that things can be uncomfortable and that may be a good thing. I may be the better for it. And for the second time I will quote, "I think I'll try defying gravity"