Happy New Year!
Ok so I do feel a bit trite in writing and beginning on the new year with new resolve. I am usually one of the people that realizes that we don't need some arbitrary date or occasion to do things and yet here I am using the end of the year as a catalyst. I really am seeming to need to find something to get me started. I don't know that I have the ability (at least I've not learned it yet) to just do something and stick to it without some kind of progress meter. Perhaps that is just how I'm made. I remember that when I was in 4th or 5th grade my mom had mentioned that I had trouble being a "self starter". I think that I've learned how to start myself but it is still work.
This time I'm once again looking to work on my weight. I wonder if it will be the last time I start. I know it will be a life long issue (I had battle but I think I need to not look at it so dreadfully). I have had many good goes at weight loss and eating well. I enjoy eating food that is good for me and I did well when I was working with a trainer and having meals planned. Unfortunately the food that is easy is also tasty and the food that is good for us is usually a little more difficult. Something to accept I guess.
I've decided that I'm going to give myself a visual cue as well and I'm going to bring others in on the secret. For every day I stick to my calorie counting I will not shave the next day. So if I'm doing well then I will be growing a beard. If I fail to track and keep on goal then I will shave the next morning. This could get interesting as it is going to take me some time to get to my goal weight of 200. In addition I'm going to give myself one day off per week. A cheat day. I will wear my pinkie ring until I use the day and then I will remove it. I'm going to get to "reset" on Weds and since tomorrow is the first I will reset and weigh then.
I also think that I will do my best to log in here at least once a week and keep my status updated for myself and anyone else who might want to read along.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Head and Heart
I've been away a few days and it's good to be back. I've not physically been away, but I have set aside this blog for almost a week. It isn't to say that I've been ignoring myself, or that I've not been continuing my self discovery journey, but rather I've just not felt like writing. I guess I wanted to let myself be ok with setting the writing aside and so I gave myself time off. The result is that I missed it. Perhaps it's become a habit or at least my mind has grown accustomed to writing and enjoys releasing my thoughts in this way. Regardless, it's good to write again.
I feel like I'm stuck a bit in learning about relationships. I keep believing that everyone struggles with this and each deals in his/her own way. At least I hope that it is true because I'd like to not be the only lost soul. I'm not so confused on friendships. Where I'm struggling is finding a companion. It seems such a difficult thing to find someone that I compliment and vice versus. It's something that I long for and yet recently I've considered that perhaps I should stop looking. Some would say I'm more likely to find someone when I'm not looking and others would say that I need to put myself out there. It's a situation of contradictions.
I'm most confused because I don't know how to balance my heart and my head. I remember recently seeing a comedian who kept repeating the words of his girlfriend to him, "We don't get to choose who we fall in love with." It was a touching and real reminder of the organic quality of love. Love can strike between people that are polar opposites and yet there is that spark. So I find that I meet new people and I feel a connection and begin to jump. I overlook the differences or hurdles and hold onto this romantic idea of love. If it's meant to be love will conquer all. In this mindset I become enamored with the fantasy of love and begin denying my wants and needs to see if love will persevere. What is this? Does this last?
The logical part of my brain wars with this concept of heart and love. I have been in some fantastic relationships and each has given me a better idea of what I want and need. Some have taught me about dark places in myself which I need to work on and others have enlightened me to qualities I need in my partner. The list of qualities has been growing and I feel that I have a good idea of what I'm looking for. But lately I seem to be asking people about these qualities and then checking them off on a list in my head. I am feeling like it is a laundry list and I'm not letting myself feel the person out or discover them. But is this list too logical? At what point am I just shopping rather than connecting with a person? The Little Prince warns about being too concerned with matters of consequence as this is what happens to old people. I don't want to forget about asking what his favorite flower is or how he first fell in love. And yet there do seem to be some necessary qualities in the boy I'm looking for.
To quote The Rules for Being Human, "A lesson is repeated until learned. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it -- then you can go on to the next lesson." I think that I'm stuck on this lesson and I'm still learning. Perhaps it's the balance of the head and heart rather than one or the other. Perhaps I need to learn that a date isn't necessarily leading to a relationship. Rather, it is getting to know a person and being ok with the possibility that they aren't a good match. Maybe I just need to be more honest with myself. In Texas Hold 'Em one of the first lessons I learned was that I should fold if I know that the cards I am first dealt are not good. I can bet and stay in to see each step of the game but usually all that happens is that I get caught too invested in the pot to leave. In the end I'm miserable when I realize I have nothing in my hand and have spent much of my money and time. This game of dating seems to be the same.
This evening I feel that I'm beginning to learn this lesson. I think that I need to be less "involved" in a search for love. My heart and my head need to be at peace and work together. There is no set formula for what I need in a relationship but I do need to be mindful of things that will cause me grief. It is ok to realize that someone isn't a good fit.
I am back again to focusing on me (maybe this is the real lesson that I'm stubborn to learn). Why do I think I will find answers from the outside; from meeting someone romantically. If I can resolve the "me" then the relationships that are meant will happen naturally.... and regardless I'll be content.
I feel like I'm stuck a bit in learning about relationships. I keep believing that everyone struggles with this and each deals in his/her own way. At least I hope that it is true because I'd like to not be the only lost soul. I'm not so confused on friendships. Where I'm struggling is finding a companion. It seems such a difficult thing to find someone that I compliment and vice versus. It's something that I long for and yet recently I've considered that perhaps I should stop looking. Some would say I'm more likely to find someone when I'm not looking and others would say that I need to put myself out there. It's a situation of contradictions.
I'm most confused because I don't know how to balance my heart and my head. I remember recently seeing a comedian who kept repeating the words of his girlfriend to him, "We don't get to choose who we fall in love with." It was a touching and real reminder of the organic quality of love. Love can strike between people that are polar opposites and yet there is that spark. So I find that I meet new people and I feel a connection and begin to jump. I overlook the differences or hurdles and hold onto this romantic idea of love. If it's meant to be love will conquer all. In this mindset I become enamored with the fantasy of love and begin denying my wants and needs to see if love will persevere. What is this? Does this last?
The logical part of my brain wars with this concept of heart and love. I have been in some fantastic relationships and each has given me a better idea of what I want and need. Some have taught me about dark places in myself which I need to work on and others have enlightened me to qualities I need in my partner. The list of qualities has been growing and I feel that I have a good idea of what I'm looking for. But lately I seem to be asking people about these qualities and then checking them off on a list in my head. I am feeling like it is a laundry list and I'm not letting myself feel the person out or discover them. But is this list too logical? At what point am I just shopping rather than connecting with a person? The Little Prince warns about being too concerned with matters of consequence as this is what happens to old people. I don't want to forget about asking what his favorite flower is or how he first fell in love. And yet there do seem to be some necessary qualities in the boy I'm looking for.
To quote The Rules for Being Human, "A lesson is repeated until learned. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it -- then you can go on to the next lesson." I think that I'm stuck on this lesson and I'm still learning. Perhaps it's the balance of the head and heart rather than one or the other. Perhaps I need to learn that a date isn't necessarily leading to a relationship. Rather, it is getting to know a person and being ok with the possibility that they aren't a good match. Maybe I just need to be more honest with myself. In Texas Hold 'Em one of the first lessons I learned was that I should fold if I know that the cards I am first dealt are not good. I can bet and stay in to see each step of the game but usually all that happens is that I get caught too invested in the pot to leave. In the end I'm miserable when I realize I have nothing in my hand and have spent much of my money and time. This game of dating seems to be the same.
This evening I feel that I'm beginning to learn this lesson. I think that I need to be less "involved" in a search for love. My heart and my head need to be at peace and work together. There is no set formula for what I need in a relationship but I do need to be mindful of things that will cause me grief. It is ok to realize that someone isn't a good fit.
I am back again to focusing on me (maybe this is the real lesson that I'm stubborn to learn). Why do I think I will find answers from the outside; from meeting someone romantically. If I can resolve the "me" then the relationships that are meant will happen naturally.... and regardless I'll be content.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Sexy
"Just be yourself and the sexy will show through...
Maybe your right... I don't have to hide behind the muscles like you do." -Glee (Rocky Horror Glee Show)
Tonight after conversations with a friend this comment from this week's episode of Glee came to mind. It's funny to me how a lighthearted TV show can also inspire self reflection. I feel a lot like Fin does in this episode and I think that this is one of my hurdles in life. I seem to hold myself to different standards than I do for other people. In the episode Fin knows he doesn't have the perfect body and is rather ashamed of it in fact. He finds himself combating his own self image throughout the episode looking for help from the other guys to look sexier. It is in the conversation above that something in his mind clicks and he realizes that his "sexiness" is not about how ripped his body is but rather in who he is. If only coming to realizations (and making them stick) were as easy as it is in a one hour TV show.
What I am now reflecting on is what it is that I actually find sexy. It's sort of like having someone ask what my type is. It seems like a very elusive thing to try and pinpoint and describe to someone. What I do know, and understand almost instantly, is that it is not tied to just a persons physical appearance. True, I am attracted to people in good shape sometimes, but I also have been attracted on numerous occasions to people that aren't in ideal shape. In fact I've never been in a relationship with anyone who regularly lifts weights or exercises heavily. I've never dated anyone with washboard abs. Yet I can honestly say that they all of them have been sexy to me. So what is it that makes a person sexy?
It's funny as I'm reflecting on this the one thing that I think that I find most attractive in a person is their smile. I love it when a person is happy and it shines through their smile. I love watching it emanate upwards and fill their eyes. That would be the second most sexy feature to me. I would be lying to myself if I were to say that a person in good shape didn't matter. It adds something to the whole package but then it apparently isn't the necessary part. I think more than anything the persons body type can reflect that they take care of themselves which is also an attractive feature. Sexy is about the person. Perhaps its the person being confident. For me it seems to be about the person being truly happy in their spirit. That is damn sexy.
And so I return to my contradictions. Why is it that I'm totally OK with seeing that other people are sexy because of their smiles or their good nature but I completely ignore that in myself. I know that I am happy and I show my joy to people regularly. But when it comes to the idea of sexy all I see is my weight that has always been an issue. I see only my body. I see my smile and happiness only as some sort of concession that another person might make when choosing me. "He's not all that easy on the eyes but at least he's happy." That's about how it goes in my head. If this were a TV show I'd be making that miraculous connection right now and everything would be good. This isn't a one hour TV special though. I "know" all of this and yet knowing it and believing it seem to be two different things. I need to find a way to believe that I am an attractive person because of who I am. I think I need this for me because for some reason I honestly don't feel this way, and self doubt is not attractive. Perhaps that is my own obstacle that I place between myself and people who I may look to get involved with.
How do I get my views about others to apply to me as well? Why do I allow myself the double standard in regards to me?
Maybe your right... I don't have to hide behind the muscles like you do." -Glee (Rocky Horror Glee Show)
Tonight after conversations with a friend this comment from this week's episode of Glee came to mind. It's funny to me how a lighthearted TV show can also inspire self reflection. I feel a lot like Fin does in this episode and I think that this is one of my hurdles in life. I seem to hold myself to different standards than I do for other people. In the episode Fin knows he doesn't have the perfect body and is rather ashamed of it in fact. He finds himself combating his own self image throughout the episode looking for help from the other guys to look sexier. It is in the conversation above that something in his mind clicks and he realizes that his "sexiness" is not about how ripped his body is but rather in who he is. If only coming to realizations (and making them stick) were as easy as it is in a one hour TV show.
What I am now reflecting on is what it is that I actually find sexy. It's sort of like having someone ask what my type is. It seems like a very elusive thing to try and pinpoint and describe to someone. What I do know, and understand almost instantly, is that it is not tied to just a persons physical appearance. True, I am attracted to people in good shape sometimes, but I also have been attracted on numerous occasions to people that aren't in ideal shape. In fact I've never been in a relationship with anyone who regularly lifts weights or exercises heavily. I've never dated anyone with washboard abs. Yet I can honestly say that they all of them have been sexy to me. So what is it that makes a person sexy?
It's funny as I'm reflecting on this the one thing that I think that I find most attractive in a person is their smile. I love it when a person is happy and it shines through their smile. I love watching it emanate upwards and fill their eyes. That would be the second most sexy feature to me. I would be lying to myself if I were to say that a person in good shape didn't matter. It adds something to the whole package but then it apparently isn't the necessary part. I think more than anything the persons body type can reflect that they take care of themselves which is also an attractive feature. Sexy is about the person. Perhaps its the person being confident. For me it seems to be about the person being truly happy in their spirit. That is damn sexy.
And so I return to my contradictions. Why is it that I'm totally OK with seeing that other people are sexy because of their smiles or their good nature but I completely ignore that in myself. I know that I am happy and I show my joy to people regularly. But when it comes to the idea of sexy all I see is my weight that has always been an issue. I see only my body. I see my smile and happiness only as some sort of concession that another person might make when choosing me. "He's not all that easy on the eyes but at least he's happy." That's about how it goes in my head. If this were a TV show I'd be making that miraculous connection right now and everything would be good. This isn't a one hour TV special though. I "know" all of this and yet knowing it and believing it seem to be two different things. I need to find a way to believe that I am an attractive person because of who I am. I think I need this for me because for some reason I honestly don't feel this way, and self doubt is not attractive. Perhaps that is my own obstacle that I place between myself and people who I may look to get involved with.
How do I get my views about others to apply to me as well? Why do I allow myself the double standard in regards to me?
Clutter
Change is never easy, but it usually is good. I am being reminded of this as I am turning my house upside down in preparation for a roommate. It has been a process of going through my house and moving things from room to room trying to free up the space needed for the new roomie. I am feeling that I'm close to being done with moving things around and yet I know there will be more to do when he moves in.
I have been amazed in the process of moving stuff just how inefficient I am with my space. I am only one person here in the house and yet I have every room filled with something of mine. I know that this may sound like an obvious comment but it's not just the stuff one puts out for decoration. It's stuff that is personal like clothing, artwork, and gifts. It's like my life became a sprawl. With no reason (or apparently discipline) to keep things together, I have allowed it to go everywhere. As I'm writing this I'm reminded of one of my first posts that I wrote about keeping things clean. In the same line of reasoning I've allowed myself to become lazy and just leave things everywhere rather than keeping things concise for myself. I guess that there isn't anything intrinsically wrong with this but it seems somehow wasteful. It makes me wonder if my house were twice as big would I still be filling it up with crap?
As I've prepared for this weekend and the move I have been consolidating my things. I have found many items that I didn't even remember that I had. Some things were donated and others simply thrown away. What I'm left with is a more streamlined and lightened me. It is interesting how I can feel lighter because there is less clutter around me. I have never been one that wanted to be in a messy house and yet with the sprawl my house was frequently in that state. Now I find that I'm keeping it clean most of the time. It is easy to keep it up when there isn't as much to mess it up. I think that having a roommate has already been a positive experience and he hasn't even moved in.
Wasted space, wasted energy... I need to be more economical with my life. I think that this change is helping me to see that I'm not using my resources as well as I could be. I think this goes beyond the scope of my house and my belongings and is more about how I live. What if everything I did in my day had meaning of some sort rather than just filling it up random items? Does that mean that I would have no down time at all or would I simply be focusing on what is important? Where else am I being wasteful with my resources? It is time to do another inventory mentally and see where I can lighten my own load.
If everything I did had meaning, then wouldn't that mean I'd always be living in the moment?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Color Blind
Many years ago I met this really amazing guy. He was in great shape and loved to run all the time. He also loved to ride his bike around town and would break out into song as he rode down the streets. He made me laugh a lot and he would make me remember to not take life to seriously. One night, as I sat chatting with him and had some intellectually stimulating conversation, we began talking about an affliction of his. He was color blind. Apparently being color blind affects people in different ways and I was interested in how it was for him. Some people have blue and yellow, some can't see red or green, but they all have different ways that they do interpret these colors. He was more on the red green scale and I found it fascinating to talk to him about it. I have always loved color and see colors very vividly. The idea of someone not being able to distinguish colors just seemed alien to me.
We continued discussing how he perceived these colors and he discussed that they confused his head and became every other color of the rainbow. As light shifted the "color" shifted. He pointed out that he was particularly confused by browns and they could be constantly changing. . He began talking about his green sweater that he was wearing and I burst out with laughter. His sweater was brown, and more reddish brown at that and his outfit as a whole was eccentric looking because of it. He was stunned by my comment since he had no idea that the sweater was brown and honestly thought I was poking fun and teasing him. We continued to laugh and talk and he described his frustrations with trees because he couldn't "see" them. For him the tree never stayed still. The multitude of greens that changed as the wind rustled the leaves became to him every other color of the rainbow flickering. I believed that this would be a beautiful thing but he found only frustration in them. I drew what I imagined these trees to look like to him and used every colored pencil I had for the piece. In the end I showed it to him and he thought I was going to challenge him to tell him if the tree was brown or green. (He said he got in trouble once for drawing a tree in elementary school with a green trunk and a brown top). When I explained there was no green he smiled and asked me if I was sure, because it looked just like a tree to him.
I wonder if all of us have these perception quirks. Is the blue color that I see for the sky the same that someone else sees? We have both labeled that color, however we might see it, as blue but that doesn't mean it looks the same to each of us. How much do my perceptions affect my life? Pondering this idea I feel very disconnected others. I know that how I view the world creates my reality. My morals and values are all based on my own perceptions of the world. That doesn't make them right or wrong, it only makes them mine. So really we are all moving through life in our own separate worlds trying to make sense of it all. I think perhaps this is the part of finding a relationship that can be so difficult. I want them to have similar perceptions to my own so that I can connect with them. I want to be able to have them understand my reality better. Perhaps my own perceptions of the world are the biggest stumbling blocks to understanding others.
My friend seemed to have a better perspective on perceptions than I did. He would allow himself to tread on others perceptions and let them deal with their discomfort. Riding down the street on his bike belting out music caused many to react but it didn't affect him. He didn't internalize their negative or positive reactions but rather he enjoyed the song and continued living life. He even pulled me into his games as he convinced me one New Years Eve to wear nail polish. Participating in this act was even was jarring to me, but the point was made. People will perceive it in different ways and weather it be good or bad it is their stuff not mine. I found that even those who I was close with had big reactions to something as insignificant as paint on my fingers. Basically, I was reminded not to take myself too seriously and stop worrying what people thought.
I still find I'm looking outside for validation for who I am rather than looking to my own approval. I don't want my perceptions to be different from others. I want to fit in. I'm still not sure why that is an issue for me to this day. I need to try belting out a song while running or painting my nails again and be conscious of the fact that it is ok. Even if others don't approve or like it I can focus on me.
We continued discussing how he perceived these colors and he discussed that they confused his head and became every other color of the rainbow. As light shifted the "color" shifted. He pointed out that he was particularly confused by browns and they could be constantly changing. . He began talking about his green sweater that he was wearing and I burst out with laughter. His sweater was brown, and more reddish brown at that and his outfit as a whole was eccentric looking because of it. He was stunned by my comment since he had no idea that the sweater was brown and honestly thought I was poking fun and teasing him. We continued to laugh and talk and he described his frustrations with trees because he couldn't "see" them. For him the tree never stayed still. The multitude of greens that changed as the wind rustled the leaves became to him every other color of the rainbow flickering. I believed that this would be a beautiful thing but he found only frustration in them. I drew what I imagined these trees to look like to him and used every colored pencil I had for the piece. In the end I showed it to him and he thought I was going to challenge him to tell him if the tree was brown or green. (He said he got in trouble once for drawing a tree in elementary school with a green trunk and a brown top). When I explained there was no green he smiled and asked me if I was sure, because it looked just like a tree to him.
I wonder if all of us have these perception quirks. Is the blue color that I see for the sky the same that someone else sees? We have both labeled that color, however we might see it, as blue but that doesn't mean it looks the same to each of us. How much do my perceptions affect my life? Pondering this idea I feel very disconnected others. I know that how I view the world creates my reality. My morals and values are all based on my own perceptions of the world. That doesn't make them right or wrong, it only makes them mine. So really we are all moving through life in our own separate worlds trying to make sense of it all. I think perhaps this is the part of finding a relationship that can be so difficult. I want them to have similar perceptions to my own so that I can connect with them. I want to be able to have them understand my reality better. Perhaps my own perceptions of the world are the biggest stumbling blocks to understanding others.
My friend seemed to have a better perspective on perceptions than I did. He would allow himself to tread on others perceptions and let them deal with their discomfort. Riding down the street on his bike belting out music caused many to react but it didn't affect him. He didn't internalize their negative or positive reactions but rather he enjoyed the song and continued living life. He even pulled me into his games as he convinced me one New Years Eve to wear nail polish. Participating in this act was even was jarring to me, but the point was made. People will perceive it in different ways and weather it be good or bad it is their stuff not mine. I found that even those who I was close with had big reactions to something as insignificant as paint on my fingers. Basically, I was reminded not to take myself too seriously and stop worrying what people thought.
I still find I'm looking outside for validation for who I am rather than looking to my own approval. I don't want my perceptions to be different from others. I want to fit in. I'm still not sure why that is an issue for me to this day. I need to try belting out a song while running or painting my nails again and be conscious of the fact that it is ok. Even if others don't approve or like it I can focus on me.
"No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach us
What we believe is true....
....I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not."
-No Matter What, Boyzone
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Spontaneous
Today was a great day! I must say that I'm surprised a little by this but there is good reason for it. I expected today to be nice, don't get me wrong, as I knew I'd be doing things with friends and just getting out of the house. However I got much more than I had expected.
I had planned to go and meet with a usual group of friends for brunch. The highlight of this outing was that it was at a different venue. In fact it was more of a social mixer for a commerce group. This seemed like a good thing since I'm always looking for new ways to meet people and there was a part of me that considered I might meet some new people there. After arriving and being branded with a name tag I began to feel a little out of place. There was a large group of us attending that didn't represent any commerce group and I wondered how we were being viewed. I didn't know the commerce group so I just tried to blend in and enjoy the brunch and wine tasting for what it was. However, I was pleasantly surprised when it was announced that the event was being co sponsored by a local social group along with the chamber of commerce. When I realized that this group had no interest other than being social I relaxed at once and started chatting with others around the room.
As the morning pressed on to the early afternoon I was told more about the social group and given information about joining. Such an unexpected turn of events and I was meeting several friendly people. I felt energized being around the new people and connecting with them. My friends whom I had initially joined for brunch had long since left, apparently content with knowing each other and not meeting anyone new. I was still enjoying the experience and making potential friends. I was offered an invitation to stop by one of the members house for an afternoon poker game he was hosting with the rest of the group. This almost seemed surreal to me and I had all sorts of "reasons" to not go. I didn't even know these people more than an hour. However, I decided to ride the wave of spontaneity and ended up having a fantastic day with people that I had never met before. I'm not sure what was better, the fun connection with new people or the crazy circumstances that led me to that point.
Reflecting on my day, I loved that all of the events, except the initial one, were spontaneous. They came out of me just taking what life handed me and going with it. I know that there were moments when I felt a little off kilter as I was in unfamiliar territory. However, there was an excitement to just going with the flow and not worrying about it. It felt like a gift. Perhaps again it was living in the moment and thinking about the shoulds or should nots that allowed me to enjoy the day. I know that there are many that would have thought it crazy to go and hang out with a group of strangers at a house shortly after meeting them. I too had those doubts flash in my head. But the reality was that I would not be doing it because I was afraid for irrational reasons. Doubts. So I jumped into life instead.
I loved meeting new people. I loved being able to just be. Again life is trying to teach me to live in the moment. Why is it so tough to stay there? Why is it so easy to forget the joys that are found in life by actually living rather than thinking.
Is it an oxymoron to try and plan to do something spontaneous each day?
I had planned to go and meet with a usual group of friends for brunch. The highlight of this outing was that it was at a different venue. In fact it was more of a social mixer for a commerce group. This seemed like a good thing since I'm always looking for new ways to meet people and there was a part of me that considered I might meet some new people there. After arriving and being branded with a name tag I began to feel a little out of place. There was a large group of us attending that didn't represent any commerce group and I wondered how we were being viewed. I didn't know the commerce group so I just tried to blend in and enjoy the brunch and wine tasting for what it was. However, I was pleasantly surprised when it was announced that the event was being co sponsored by a local social group along with the chamber of commerce. When I realized that this group had no interest other than being social I relaxed at once and started chatting with others around the room.
As the morning pressed on to the early afternoon I was told more about the social group and given information about joining. Such an unexpected turn of events and I was meeting several friendly people. I felt energized being around the new people and connecting with them. My friends whom I had initially joined for brunch had long since left, apparently content with knowing each other and not meeting anyone new. I was still enjoying the experience and making potential friends. I was offered an invitation to stop by one of the members house for an afternoon poker game he was hosting with the rest of the group. This almost seemed surreal to me and I had all sorts of "reasons" to not go. I didn't even know these people more than an hour. However, I decided to ride the wave of spontaneity and ended up having a fantastic day with people that I had never met before. I'm not sure what was better, the fun connection with new people or the crazy circumstances that led me to that point.
Reflecting on my day, I loved that all of the events, except the initial one, were spontaneous. They came out of me just taking what life handed me and going with it. I know that there were moments when I felt a little off kilter as I was in unfamiliar territory. However, there was an excitement to just going with the flow and not worrying about it. It felt like a gift. Perhaps again it was living in the moment and thinking about the shoulds or should nots that allowed me to enjoy the day. I know that there are many that would have thought it crazy to go and hang out with a group of strangers at a house shortly after meeting them. I too had those doubts flash in my head. But the reality was that I would not be doing it because I was afraid for irrational reasons. Doubts. So I jumped into life instead.
I loved meeting new people. I loved being able to just be. Again life is trying to teach me to live in the moment. Why is it so tough to stay there? Why is it so easy to forget the joys that are found in life by actually living rather than thinking.
Is it an oxymoron to try and plan to do something spontaneous each day?
Hunger
I am sitting here this evening pondering the question, "What am I hungry for?" I am not being in any way literal about this. This question was posed to me at a Weight Watcher meeting by one of the most inspiring leaders I've had. He made a point of repeating this question for three weeks. He asked us to think about this question and try to figure out our own answers. He did bring it up in relationship to food, it is Weight Watchers after all, but his point was that it is not about food. Most of us in that room, and I'd like to think that everyone at some point or other in their lives, identified with those moments that we are going through the kitchen searching for what we want to eat. I have done it on many occasions believing that I wanted something sweet. So I have some candy. I think, "No, that wasn't what I wanted.... perhaps something savory." So I eat some cheese and crackers. I think, "Hmmm, no, that wasn't right, maybe something creamy..." and it continues. And it continues and nothing seems to help so I try something else. Really their isn't any food at that point that will satiate me, and yet I would still go back looking for the food that would help. This moment is what this question is about. It is not what type of food am I hungry for but rather what is it I'm searching for and hoping to solve through the instant gratification of food. The answer is not in the kitchen. Figure out the answer to this, he challenged us, and you will no longer find yourself trying to solve it with food.
I think that perhaps right now there is something just out of my grasp that I'm searching for in my life. I don't know what it is and perhaps that is the problem. I feel somehow incomplete and I'm looking for something to fill the void. I want to be content and yet I'm not, even though I don't feel upset or bad about it. It's really a difficult thing to explain. It's simply a part of me that seems like it needs to be given attention to or filled. I can't say that I feel like this all the time but rather it comes and goes. It's a bit like a toothache that flares up to be sure you are listening and then fades back so that you can figure out a solution. I don't think I've been finding that solution so well.
The confusing part of this scenario is that I feel very fortunate in my life. I'm employed. I have a fantastic, loving family. I have many good friends who I know I could call on anytime of the day for support. I have a house. I have laughter. I have my health... and the list goes on. With all this I don't understand what is missing. True, I'm not in a relationship and I would really like that, but I have this feeling in my gut that a relationship is not what I'm missing. I have been in good relationships and the "hunger" has persisted.
This blog I think started because of that initial question of my leader. I believed that if I started journaling I would discover why I would at times stand and eat fifteen different things in the kitchen. I don't do that anymore by the way, but it just seems that the "hunger" has just been shifting because I have not found the source (tonight I'm "hungry" for cuddling up close to someone... but I am resistant to that since I have the wrong reasons). I do feel a bit frustrated because I'm not sure where I'm supposed to look to find the answer. I feel that I've been doing some pretty good soul searching the past couple of months and yet I still don't seem to have the answer. Am I still just hiding things from myself without knowing it? Perhaps I'm still not truly happy with me. I do believe that the part that is missing is in me. Somehow I'm supposed to solve the riddle with only me as the clue. I know that I really need to figure out what it is I'm searching for and that it is probably not a physical thing. If this is the case how do I rectify the situation? How do I get to the point that I feel complete?
I think that perhaps right now there is something just out of my grasp that I'm searching for in my life. I don't know what it is and perhaps that is the problem. I feel somehow incomplete and I'm looking for something to fill the void. I want to be content and yet I'm not, even though I don't feel upset or bad about it. It's really a difficult thing to explain. It's simply a part of me that seems like it needs to be given attention to or filled. I can't say that I feel like this all the time but rather it comes and goes. It's a bit like a toothache that flares up to be sure you are listening and then fades back so that you can figure out a solution. I don't think I've been finding that solution so well.
The confusing part of this scenario is that I feel very fortunate in my life. I'm employed. I have a fantastic, loving family. I have many good friends who I know I could call on anytime of the day for support. I have a house. I have laughter. I have my health... and the list goes on. With all this I don't understand what is missing. True, I'm not in a relationship and I would really like that, but I have this feeling in my gut that a relationship is not what I'm missing. I have been in good relationships and the "hunger" has persisted.
This blog I think started because of that initial question of my leader. I believed that if I started journaling I would discover why I would at times stand and eat fifteen different things in the kitchen. I don't do that anymore by the way, but it just seems that the "hunger" has just been shifting because I have not found the source (tonight I'm "hungry" for cuddling up close to someone... but I am resistant to that since I have the wrong reasons). I do feel a bit frustrated because I'm not sure where I'm supposed to look to find the answer. I feel that I've been doing some pretty good soul searching the past couple of months and yet I still don't seem to have the answer. Am I still just hiding things from myself without knowing it? Perhaps I'm still not truly happy with me. I do believe that the part that is missing is in me. Somehow I'm supposed to solve the riddle with only me as the clue. I know that I really need to figure out what it is I'm searching for and that it is probably not a physical thing. If this is the case how do I rectify the situation? How do I get to the point that I feel complete?
Curly: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and everything else don't mean shit.
Mitch: That's great, but what's the one thing?
Curly: That's what you've got to figure out. -City Slickers
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