Color Blind

Many years ago I met this really amazing guy. He was in great shape and loved to run all the time. He also loved to ride his bike around town and would break out into song as he rode down the streets. He made me laugh a lot and he would make me remember to not take life to seriously. One night, as I sat chatting with him and had some intellectually stimulating conversation, we began talking about an affliction of his. He was color blind. Apparently being color blind affects people in different ways and I was interested in how it was for him. Some people have blue and yellow, some can't see red or green, but they all have different ways that they do interpret these colors. He was more on the red green scale and I found it fascinating to talk to him about it. I have always loved color and see colors very vividly. The idea of someone not being able to distinguish colors just seemed alien to me.

We continued discussing how he perceived these colors and he discussed that they confused his head and became every other color of the rainbow. As light shifted the "color" shifted. He pointed out that he was particularly confused by browns and they could be constantly changing. . He began talking about his green sweater that he was wearing and I burst out with laughter. His sweater was brown, and more reddish brown at that and his outfit as a whole was eccentric looking because of it. He was stunned by my comment since he had no idea that the sweater was brown and honestly thought I was poking fun and teasing him. We continued to laugh and talk and he described his frustrations with trees because he couldn't "see" them. For him the tree never stayed still. The multitude of greens that changed as the wind rustled the leaves became to him every other color of the rainbow flickering. I believed that this would be a beautiful thing but he found only frustration in them. I drew what I imagined these trees to look like to him and used every colored pencil I had for the piece. In the end I showed it to him and he thought I was going to challenge him to tell him if the tree was brown or green. (He said he got in trouble once for drawing a tree in elementary school with a green trunk and a brown top). When I explained there was no green he smiled and asked me if I was sure, because it looked just like a tree to him.

I wonder if all of us have these perception quirks. Is the blue color that I see for the sky the same that someone else sees? We have both labeled that color, however we might see it, as blue but that doesn't mean it looks the same to each of us. How much do my perceptions affect my life? Pondering this idea I feel very disconnected others. I know that how I view the world creates my reality. My morals and values are all based on my own perceptions of the world. That doesn't make them right or wrong, it only makes them mine. So really we are all moving through life in our own separate worlds trying to make sense of it all. I think perhaps this is the part of finding a relationship that can be so difficult. I want them to have similar perceptions to my own so that I can connect with them. I want to be able to have them understand my reality better. Perhaps my own perceptions of the world are the biggest stumbling blocks to understanding others.

My friend seemed to have a better perspective on perceptions than I did. He would allow himself to tread on others perceptions and let them deal with their discomfort. Riding down the street on his bike belting out music caused many to react but it didn't affect him. He didn't internalize their negative or positive reactions but rather he enjoyed the song and continued living life. He even pulled me into his games as he convinced me one New Years Eve to wear nail polish. Participating in this act was even was jarring to me, but the point was made. People will perceive it in different ways and weather it be good or bad it is their stuff not mine. I found that even those who I was close with had big reactions to something as insignificant as paint on my fingers. Basically, I was reminded not to take myself too seriously and stop worrying what people thought.

I still find I'm looking outside for validation for who I am rather than looking to my own approval. I don't want my perceptions to be different from others. I want to fit in. I'm still not sure why that is an issue for me to this day. I need to try belting out a song while running or painting my nails again and be conscious of the fact that it is ok. Even if others don't approve or like it I can focus on me.

"No matter what they tell us 

No matter what they do 

No matter what they teach us 

What we believe is true....

....I can't deny what I believe

I can't be what I'm not."

-No Matter What, Boyzone