Paths

Tonight I listened to my aunt talk about her frightening experience over the weekend where she passed out in a casino. She didn't feel funny or know that anything was wrong. Her body just gave out and luckily she had no serious injuries from it although she did bump her head. The story was interesting and went on to describe the events following with EMTs and ambulances. I am happy that she is well.

A little while after hearing the story we had turned to joking about the casino and that she was slightly out of it after the fainting happened. We joked about her having won a jackpot and conveniently her memory was lost when she hit her head. Laughter. She shared the thought though that she had thought that she should have left the casino earlier so that she wouldn't have lost the money that she had at one point been up. She had been planning on leaving earlier. And the question came, what would have happened had she left then. Would the seizure have happened while driving back to Sacramento? Would the seizure not have happened? It can be fun to think about these alternate scenarios. Perhaps in a Star Trek episode we would go back and relive each on to see it's outcome. It's one of those hypothetical questions that you ask people to see how their brain works. But the reality is that she did have a seizure at the casino and this is the only path that will ever happen.

Sometimes looking back over past events in my life I am can be awed. I have looked for patterns or order and try to apply it to how the events took place. I may think about the night that I met my first love and realize that my relationship wouldn't have happened had I not been a tag-along to the group going to Magic Mountain. It was lucky that I had been there. Or I think about stumbling onto my house on the last day of its sale. If I hadn't been randomly driving in the area I wouldn't currently be living here. I know that events like these could be attributed to destiny or luck. I can call myself lucky when I look back at all the fun events like these and be amazed that I just happened to be there at the right place.

However, I think that these fortunate events are only amazing when looking at life as it has already transpired. They aren't quite as coincidental or amazing in the present. It's true that I may not have met my first love had I not gone to the amusement park. For the person I am now, and the memories I have, that is an horrible thought. I cannot imagine never having met him. But it is because all of the events DID happen that I feel this way. If I had never met him who knows what life I would have led or who my first love would have been. The coincidences of the past are only interesting because they led to this present.

It is for this reason that I have learned that I cannot have regrets in life. I know that I make decisions that may cause me grief or struggles. I may at times feel upset that I didn't make a wiser choice. However, good or bad I am made from these choices. Everything I do affects how I will be thereafter. If I like who I am now then I have to attribute it to all I've done before; all I've learned from mistakes and from joy. As I Look back and see things that I've done, I wouldn't change them because I wouldn't be me. I like who I am.

"The past is there to keep you strong, it's the map you draw your whole life long. You can hold it close, you can keep it dear but it will not help you get out of here. 'Cause it's just a map of the things you've done. All the choices made, every single one. But the past can't choose it can only guide, for the new to start open your heart out wide...."

-Convenience,  Gregg Coffin