Sexy

"Just be yourself and the sexy will show through...
Maybe your right... I don't have to hide behind the muscles like you do."  -Glee (Rocky Horror Glee Show)

Tonight after conversations with a friend this comment from this week's episode of Glee came to mind. It's funny to me how a lighthearted TV show can also inspire self reflection. I feel a lot like Fin does in this episode and I think that this is one of my hurdles in life. I seem to hold myself to different standards than I do for other people. In the episode Fin knows he doesn't have the perfect body and is rather ashamed of it in fact. He finds himself combating his own self image throughout the episode looking for help from the other guys to look sexier. It is in the conversation above that something in his mind clicks and he realizes that his "sexiness" is not about how ripped his body is but rather in who he is. If only coming to realizations (and making them stick) were as easy as it is in a one hour TV show.

What I am now reflecting on is what it is that I actually find sexy. It's sort of like having someone ask what my type is. It seems like a very elusive thing to try and pinpoint and describe to someone. What I do know, and understand almost instantly, is that it is not tied to just a persons physical appearance. True, I am attracted to people in good shape sometimes, but I also have been attracted on numerous occasions to people that aren't in ideal shape. In fact I've never been in a relationship with anyone who regularly lifts weights or exercises heavily. I've never dated anyone with washboard abs. Yet I can honestly say that they all of them have been sexy to me. So what is it that makes a person sexy?

It's funny as I'm reflecting on this the one thing that I think that I find most attractive in a person is their smile. I love it when a person is happy and it shines through their smile. I love watching it emanate upwards and fill their eyes. That would be the second most sexy feature to me. I would be lying to myself if I were to say that a person in good shape didn't matter. It adds something to the whole package but then it apparently isn't the necessary part. I think more than anything the persons body type can reflect that they take care of themselves which is also an attractive feature. Sexy is about the person. Perhaps its the person being confident. For me it seems to be about the person being truly happy in their spirit. That is damn sexy.

And so I return to my contradictions. Why is it that I'm totally OK with seeing that other people are sexy because of their smiles or their good nature but I completely ignore that in myself. I know that I am happy and I show my joy to people regularly. But when it comes to the idea of sexy all I see is my weight that has always been an issue. I see only my body. I see my smile and happiness only as some sort of concession that another person might make when choosing me. "He's not all that easy on the eyes but at least he's happy." That's about how it goes in my head. If this were a TV show I'd be making that miraculous connection right now and everything would be good. This isn't a one hour TV special though. I "know" all of this and yet knowing it and believing it seem to be two different things. I need to find a way to believe that I am an attractive person because of who I am. I think I need this for me because for some reason I honestly don't feel this way, and self doubt is not attractive. Perhaps that is my own obstacle that I place between myself and people who I may look to get involved with.

How do I get my views about others to apply to me as well? Why do I allow myself the double standard in regards to me?