Scheduled

Tonight I'm wondering why I have a need to fill up all of my time. I dislike not having anything to do, even for short periods, because I then feel like I'm wasting time or I feel lonely as I mentioned yesterday. However, I frequently find myself on the other end of the spectrum where there is so much going on that I feel I never have any down time to just relax and be. Why isn't there balance to this part of my life? Is it because I'm making plans for the wrong reasons?

I do wonder sometimes if my over scheduling of time is to avoid working on myself. I know that I am taking time to write this journal and so that is a step in the right direction. Should I be scheduling more me time and less "doing" time? Perhaps being alone and working on the idea of "What am I hungry for?" is more difficult that trying to juggle 15 different tasks and groups. This thought was born of my conversations today with my friend about my schedule. Over the past week I've become increasingly aware that I'm getting involved with so many activities that I am not leaving any wiggle room for just hanging out with myself or friends.

I suppose my need to be social has become fueled by the past 6 months where I did not scheduled much at all. Actually for the past year I did a lot of staying home and futzing around on the computer to pass the time much like a hermit. Now that I'm starting to bloom into the social world again I think that I'm doing overkill. As it stands now I'm involved in three groups that meet at least once a week. THREE!!! So that leaves 4 days free to do things and these get eaten up quickly by friends and fun events. On top of these scheduled events there is also my exercise that I've committed to and I feel I'm letting slip. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate and make some cuts before I'm forced to swing back into the non social catatonic place that I just came out of.

I think that being overly busy is just as bad, if not worse, than being under busy. I want balance. I want to know what balance is. I want one evening a week of downtime. Not hanging out with friends even, just down time... and I don't want it "scheduled." Perhaps it's time to make another list and sort out my time like I've sorted out my chores. (BTW I got to knock off two more off my list of unfinished items, yay!)

If I get more in touch with me perhaps I won't need to make all these plans to try and fill up my time.