Silence

Sometimes I notice that silence seems to have a sound. It's odd really. But sometimes the silence seems to have a pressure to it. It sort of weighs on my ears, my skin, and becomes solid. It pushes into my head like a soft pillow and I can feel the weight of it. I notice it most when my mind is not active. No troubling thoughts to keep it racing. No problems to keep it wandering. Just here, just now. And there is such a peace and relaxation to it.

Normally I feel that there is so much going on in my head that I forget I don't need all the jabber. I keep the engine turning to solve problems or think about tomorrow. I keep my mind working all the time. And then, sometimes, I put out the thought patterns one by one. I tell my brain I'm done, and I don't need to think anymore. Tomorrow will come. Problems will be solved in due time. And what's amazing is that I listen to myself. The my mind calms and when it does the silence is as enjoyable as anything can be. Soothing, enveloping.

I wonder why it's so hard sometimes to sit with other people in silence. Do they know what's going on in my head? Are they able to see how messed up I am in there? I almost feel like they are intruding on the silence and my thoughts. Can I turn on the radio so that I don't have to think or be alone with them with my thoughts? And it's funny because usually I don't wonder what it is that they are thinking about. I'm not reading their thoughts but I'm sure that they are reading mine and I feel exposed.

And then there are those that I am open to. Those that could ask me a question and I would tell them anything because I know they won't judge me. These are the people that I can sit with in silence. Friends, not in the loose sense of the word. These are the people that see past every facade and know me. Perhaps it's not the silence that is uncomfortable with other people, but rather all that is unsaid that could be said. Perhaps it's understanding that they don't know me better in the silence; this is the discomfort.

Thank you to the few that I can bare my soul to and I can sit in silence with. Thank you for sharing yourself and your quiet with me.