Images

Today I had an odd experience and it happened at the simplest of moments. I decided that I would try Yoga and take a class at my gym. I enjoy stretching before my runs and I have even been known to just stretch in the park on a sunny day so yoga seemed like it was a natural fit. The experience of the class was definitely positive. It is amazing how much physical and mental energy I called upon and used to stay relatively still. It's amazing how much I could sweat keeping my body still. Breathing. Focusing on my body position and muscles. Stretching. Pushing. Relaxing. Breathe.

It was during the class, as we were doing the cobblers pose, that I suddenly became aware of my body. I found myself looking down at my arms holding my feet and I didn't recognize them. In fact I didn't recognize my legs. It was a weird sensation. I realized that I was looking at my arms and yet they weren't matching the image in my head. My legs were not the way I remembered them. I know this may sound crazy, but the more I reflect on it the more natural it seems. I was actually seeing my body for a brief moment rather than just acknowledging it.

I think that I have developed a self image that I don't realize is in my head. I have now been working on my weight for much of my adult life; sometimes I'm down and sometimes I'm up. In the process of working on my weight I don't think that I ever let in the image of my body. Perhaps it is protection from myself when I'm heavy. Perhaps it's just easier than accepting that my body is constantly changing. Regardless of the reason I don't think I have allowed myself to see the changes which is not a good thing. If I don't see myself when I'm gaining weight then I won't correct the actions. Conversely, if I don't acknowledge the good I'm doing for my body I lose heart and stop pursuing a healthier weight. So not acknowledging change is keeping me from moving forward.

Recently I saw a picture of myself when I weighed the least of my adult life. It was only after five years had gone by that I noticed how thin I was. Funny how even though I was in great physical condition and at a low weight I still never thought of myself as thin. I can look into the mirror daily and perform tasks such as tying my tie, shaving, and brushing my teeth yet I don't really look at myself. I think I just acknowledge it's me and put the image I expect to see there in the mirror. I don't see me. I see what my mind thinks is me. Perhaps this is a part of the journey into a healthier self that I have missed.

How do I allow myself to reset my image of myself and see where I am now? Is it possible to let go of the illusion that I'm keeping in my head? I want more of the moments I experienced tonight because I liked the change that I saw.

I wonder if there are other images of myself, not literal ones, that I have held onto even though I've changed.