Loneliness

My weekend has been good and quite productive. I had a great evening on Friday starting at my favorite restaurant, Bandera, and ending with good company, wine and a movie. Saturday was mostly a productive day working on the front yard which is very close to being finished and then cleaning the garage a bit. I also spent some quality nap time with the cats after working in the yard. Dinner with my friend was good and low key. Today again was a nice day where I did more chores and finishing up around the house. Then there was bowling with so many fun people including a friend that just came to chat. 

All this being said, I've been thinking a lot about the concept of loneliness. It's an odd emotion or state of mind that I don't fully understand. Today I've felt lonely many times and I have no reason for it that I know. And yet the emotion that I feel is sort of an emptiness or space that I need to fill...

"Loneliness is a feeling in which people experience a strong sense of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is often compared to feeling empty, unwanted, and unimportant."  -Wikipedia.org

What I don't understand is why this feeling comes on. I am not lacking in friends or people that I can call on. In fact there are many people that if I were to call I could go and see them at any time of day. But then the loneliness doesn't seem to be about that. It's odd since I think a person can feel lonely even with a group of people. I'm wondering if loneliness is less about people and more about feeling wanted or involved.

I know that when I was feeling lonely today my thoughts went to the fact that I'm home alone. Sure I was doing things around the house with the cats but I wanted to be doing things with people. I think a sort of self pity took over and that took me into the lonely. (yes now I think it's an entity) Even as I'm writing this I'm remembering just a few days ago writing about the power of being alone and enjoying it. So what was different today? Am I not wanting to be alone with myself? Is there a fear of not doing something all the time and just being still.

A still scarier question : why do I apparently need to have people trying to plan things with me? I think it's this last one that came to me and struck a chord. I think I have a fear of not being liked by people or passed up. And I want to rally against this. It is just easier to go into the dark lonely and believe that I'm home not doing anything because I don't affect people. Hmmm that is interesting, is it a fear of not being noticed? Why am I so concerned anyway? I know that I have close friends and I know that I don't need to be around people all the time.

A final thought I've had repeatedly is that I should enjoy being with just me. The focus should not be on how many people are around or what fun things I'm doing with them. Quality time can still be had with or without others. I was productive and successful with my two days off of work and that should be my focus.

I wonder if in a few days I'll be complaining that I have no time to myself.