Tacking

I made a tough decision today that I didn't like making.

I had decided a few months ago that I was going to sing with the men's chorus here in town and I was excited about it. The thought came to me after seeing their performance and really enjoying the choral music. In college I had been in the choruses and it was great. It is a moving experience for me to hear the creation of the chords and the music through a group of voices. So three weeks ago I went to the first rehearsal and had a good time. I was nervous and felt out of place but I know that it was just nerves. I was also told about all that is expected of the members in the group including time commitments and costs. By the end of the evening I had some doubts.

I think that I had underestimated how much my life had been changing since I had first thought that I would be joining the choruses. One of the biggest things was that my relationship ended and I once again became a single man. It's funny how this one thing can greatly change my interaction with the world. I exploded out of the relationship into a social mode that I had apparently been suppressing. I began integrating exercise more fully into my daily routine. In addition, I began focusing more on myself (hence the blog that I'm writing this in). I think this self discovery is what has lead me to realize that I need to not commit myself so much at the moment. I'm enjoying the self discovery and I'm afraid  I may distract myself from the process by becoming too busy for it.

So tonight I finalized a growing thought that I needed to change direction. I needed to not be committed to the choruses at this time. It's not that I don't see the benefits for myself being involved with them. It's not that I do not enjoy singing in a group like this. It's not any one thing that has caused this. I just have realized that it is something that I shouldn't be doing at this specific time because I can't give what I should to it. And yet, even with the knowledge that I am doing what I believe is best for me, I feel badly about leaving the group. As I turned in my music tonight, it felt a bit like telling someone that you don't want to date them. They want you to tell them why and you end up floundering with the poor, but sometimes accurate response, "It's not you it's me." I don't know why exactly, but I do know that something is off with this "relationship" and if it isn't working then I should act and move from it somehow. I feel that I'm letting people down even though I know that this isn't really true. I feel like I am going back on a commitment even though it's still within the time that people are "feeling out" the group. Most of all the people that I have met or am friends with I fear will be disappointed in me. And so I find myself both comfortable in my decision and upset about it.

It's amazing to me how much I want approval from others. I know that I shouldn't need it but I still want it. For those who have read The Four Agreements this is the hardest of them for me: Take nothing personally. My friend pointed out to me today that it is almost unnatural for us to do this since we are sensitive beings. I agree. The challenge is not to ignore compliments or insults or disappointments but rather to not internalize them and have them affect your own emotions and moods. And I still struggle with it.

I will probably struggle with this aspect for all of my life. I just hope that I get better at it.