Balance

Again, thanks to exercise, I began reflecting on things in my life and how I am doing. This time it was not running that gave me the epiphany, but in yoga. Actually, I must say that yoga is both the best and worst time to think. I am so open to allowing thoughts and feelings to take hold I have some truly clear moments of thought (I once again had a brief glimpse of myself where I didn't quite recognize me). The down side is that during yoga my one focus is to try and rid my mind of thought and simply focus on the present and the stretch. Processing my life is a pleasant yet distracting result of it. Regardless of where it happened it kicked my mind into thinking about balance.

I have to question if I have been missing balance in different aspects of my life. I know the saying "everything in moderation" which is really just another way to stay keep things balanced. Don't over do it on anyone thing and you will be happy and healthy. During yoga this adage is apparent in simply trying to stand on one foot as you are slowly shifting your center of gravity. It strains the body to keep yourself from going one way or another and getting out of alignment. Anyone who has watched someone balance, or done it themselves,  and start to slip knows of the chaos that results from even a slight tremor. Becoming unbalanced causes a natural reaction in life to sway the other way, often much too quickly, causing further unbalance. So again you correct, or rather over correct again in the opposite direction. This just seems to amplify until finally the balance is lost and you fall.

I can apply this concept of balance to many things that I've done in my life. I know that I have at times alienated friends because I didn't keep the relationship in check. I didn't maintain balance for myself and my needs, or perhaps I didn't express what I wanted from the friendship so I felt slighted. So I shift my weight in a quick reaction. Suddenly I find that I'm now moving away from the friendship trying to find the balance in myself because of a knee jerk reaction. Again, this is not the way to maintain balance. This type of movement just begins that downward spiral which ends in losing control. I've found that it's not easy to get back up onto that one foot again and rekindle the friendships after I've fallen. In fact I think that it's tough to bring myself back to center and start again regardless of what I am trying to balance.

Similarly I've had "balance" issues with eating and my weight. I have tried eating healthy to the point that I begin denying myself and the balance tremor hits. Before I know it I'm swinging the other way eating anything and everything I can. And the cycle goes back and forth until I've fallen and I'm not even paying attention anymore. So then I get up and try again. But the cycle must have an end. There are people that have found balance so what is the secret?

What is it that creates balance? I know that when this question entered my mind during yoga (as I was attempting to move from tree pose to dancer) I reminded myself to not think about the balance. Instead of trying to balance myself and fumble with where exactly my weight should be centered I decided to forget about it and just focus on myself and my breath. Breathe. It is amazing to me that when I successfully did this I had no problems maintaining the balance. I don't think that this means that I need to ignore the balance issues. I think it indicates that I need to focus on myself and trust that I will direct my body (and perhaps life) in the direction it needs to go. Over thinking of how to get myself balanced just causes more problems while just relaxing being seemed to solve it.

Perhaps I need to "just be" more and think a little less. I should let life take me on the journey and not think too much about where I'm going or how I'm getting there. Just breathe and keep balance.

Brief

I don't find that I have a lot on my mind today. I'm writing more to keep me in the habit even though I'm not sure what to say. The day was good and fulfilling. I had a nice evening with friends watching The Amazing Race and talking about nothing in particular. Perhaps that is part of the fun. I don't think I thought about things I needed to do at home or work or anything else in my life. I was happy to just be there at the party with friendly folk.

Finishing off my evening I am feeling the excitement of getting to know someone for the first time. There is some unique spark in learning about someone and finding things that I have in common with them that is just fun. There is a little bit of danger in not knowing much about them and that is thrilling in its own right. Things may go well or turn south but the learning about them is exciting and I have hopes for good things to come. Is the hope part of the fun or separate. Who can tell?

And now I am sleepy and have not much more to say. So to the world I say good night and I look forward to what tomorrow brings!

Stretch

The act of stretching is something that anyone can do and yet I don't think I do it often enough. Physically speaking I think everyone at some point or other has done the standard lean over and touch their toes (or attempt it since being limber seems to be far away for me). I actually enjoy the sensation of a stretch. I can feel the muscle pulling against itself, resisting the elongation. Breathing out I can sense the muscle relax and slowly reach farther. There is some discomfort to this process and I have to push my body and muscles to make it worthwhile, but after the process I feel more relaxed and more in tune with myself. Even though the stretch can be painful at times I notice the sensation and ignore it and enjoy the benefit I know I am getting.

The act of stretching though is more than just this physical act. I think that mentally stretching is equally important and challenging. Stretching aspects of my life does take work and it requires focus. I feel myself resist the change and the pull of some of my new practices. For example trying to let go of negative influences and allowing my mind to stay in a positive mindset does take work. I can feel my mind pull away and try to remain in it's normal "comfortable" state. However I think that it is the same as stretching a muscle and I need to allow myself to notice any discomfort and acknowledge that it is change. Really it is the same practice as yoga but it is how I'm stretching to interact with life rather than with my muscles.

I tell students that when they are learning it should be uncomfortable. Much like stretching there is a resistance to what you are learning. It is this very feeling though that lets us know that we are creating change. The discomfort I believe comes from being in unfamiliar territory and adjusting to it; much like a muscle resists being stretched longer than its resting state. Why should I be resistant to that. Instead I should be embracing it and enjoying the stretch. Letting my mind relax and embracing the new perspectives can make the stretch enjoyable.

Stretching the mind and body feels good. I should do it more often.

Accolades

I've had a great weekend full of friends and great food. The Kitchen was an experience that I won't soon forget. Not only was the food phenomenal but the atmosphere could not have been better. It's amazing when you can be in a place where everyone is open to each other. The staff were so nice and easy to interact with it felt like they were friends almost. In addition the people that were there for dinner all seemed to just be friendly. Perhaps it was the shared love of food or just a safe environment. It makes me wonder why people can't just be friendly all the time. Why in social context do people not always seem this friendly and genuinely nice?

I have been doing meditations and I've started to really focus on thinking about what energy I'm putting out into the world. I know that it's not a tangible or measurable thing but it does exist. I witness it when I get a smile back from people or just a boost in my own day. I think that it is equally important to monitor what energy I am taking in from people. It is far too easy to get caught up in negative energy and then deal it back out. I see this a lot with people who I know that thrive on drama. They want to get a rise out of me and to join in the conversation. I think that it is detrimental to my mood to join in though. I need to focus on letting their energy roll off of me and seek out other positive energy. If I truly feel that life is good then I need to live that.

I know that I've mentioned it in a few posts lately but I continue to think about not taking anything personally. I think that it is a challenge for me that I see would make a positive change in my life. I would love to have my gratification come from my self and my own praise rather than looking for it from others. Perhaps one step on this journey would be to not bring up accomplishments in conversation. I have been using Facebook, for example, to get accolades for my distance running. Why? I shouldn't need the approval from anyone but myself. I think I will limit my posts to my own achievements. For example I can post that I'm going running(perhaps I can inspire someone) but I don't need to use the facts and figures in the posts. I am enjoying the connection that I get with people from making posts but I need it to be just that. Social is fine but validation needs to stop.

It's very difficult to take in information, positive or negative about myself and not internalize it or make it personal.

Tacking

I made a tough decision today that I didn't like making.

I had decided a few months ago that I was going to sing with the men's chorus here in town and I was excited about it. The thought came to me after seeing their performance and really enjoying the choral music. In college I had been in the choruses and it was great. It is a moving experience for me to hear the creation of the chords and the music through a group of voices. So three weeks ago I went to the first rehearsal and had a good time. I was nervous and felt out of place but I know that it was just nerves. I was also told about all that is expected of the members in the group including time commitments and costs. By the end of the evening I had some doubts.

I think that I had underestimated how much my life had been changing since I had first thought that I would be joining the choruses. One of the biggest things was that my relationship ended and I once again became a single man. It's funny how this one thing can greatly change my interaction with the world. I exploded out of the relationship into a social mode that I had apparently been suppressing. I began integrating exercise more fully into my daily routine. In addition, I began focusing more on myself (hence the blog that I'm writing this in). I think this self discovery is what has lead me to realize that I need to not commit myself so much at the moment. I'm enjoying the self discovery and I'm afraid  I may distract myself from the process by becoming too busy for it.

So tonight I finalized a growing thought that I needed to change direction. I needed to not be committed to the choruses at this time. It's not that I don't see the benefits for myself being involved with them. It's not that I do not enjoy singing in a group like this. It's not any one thing that has caused this. I just have realized that it is something that I shouldn't be doing at this specific time because I can't give what I should to it. And yet, even with the knowledge that I am doing what I believe is best for me, I feel badly about leaving the group. As I turned in my music tonight, it felt a bit like telling someone that you don't want to date them. They want you to tell them why and you end up floundering with the poor, but sometimes accurate response, "It's not you it's me." I don't know why exactly, but I do know that something is off with this "relationship" and if it isn't working then I should act and move from it somehow. I feel that I'm letting people down even though I know that this isn't really true. I feel like I am going back on a commitment even though it's still within the time that people are "feeling out" the group. Most of all the people that I have met or am friends with I fear will be disappointed in me. And so I find myself both comfortable in my decision and upset about it.

It's amazing to me how much I want approval from others. I know that I shouldn't need it but I still want it. For those who have read The Four Agreements this is the hardest of them for me: Take nothing personally. My friend pointed out to me today that it is almost unnatural for us to do this since we are sensitive beings. I agree. The challenge is not to ignore compliments or insults or disappointments but rather to not internalize them and have them affect your own emotions and moods. And I still struggle with it.

I will probably struggle with this aspect for all of my life. I just hope that I get better at it.

Images

Today I had an odd experience and it happened at the simplest of moments. I decided that I would try Yoga and take a class at my gym. I enjoy stretching before my runs and I have even been known to just stretch in the park on a sunny day so yoga seemed like it was a natural fit. The experience of the class was definitely positive. It is amazing how much physical and mental energy I called upon and used to stay relatively still. It's amazing how much I could sweat keeping my body still. Breathing. Focusing on my body position and muscles. Stretching. Pushing. Relaxing. Breathe.

It was during the class, as we were doing the cobblers pose, that I suddenly became aware of my body. I found myself looking down at my arms holding my feet and I didn't recognize them. In fact I didn't recognize my legs. It was a weird sensation. I realized that I was looking at my arms and yet they weren't matching the image in my head. My legs were not the way I remembered them. I know this may sound crazy, but the more I reflect on it the more natural it seems. I was actually seeing my body for a brief moment rather than just acknowledging it.

I think that I have developed a self image that I don't realize is in my head. I have now been working on my weight for much of my adult life; sometimes I'm down and sometimes I'm up. In the process of working on my weight I don't think that I ever let in the image of my body. Perhaps it is protection from myself when I'm heavy. Perhaps it's just easier than accepting that my body is constantly changing. Regardless of the reason I don't think I have allowed myself to see the changes which is not a good thing. If I don't see myself when I'm gaining weight then I won't correct the actions. Conversely, if I don't acknowledge the good I'm doing for my body I lose heart and stop pursuing a healthier weight. So not acknowledging change is keeping me from moving forward.

Recently I saw a picture of myself when I weighed the least of my adult life. It was only after five years had gone by that I noticed how thin I was. Funny how even though I was in great physical condition and at a low weight I still never thought of myself as thin. I can look into the mirror daily and perform tasks such as tying my tie, shaving, and brushing my teeth yet I don't really look at myself. I think I just acknowledge it's me and put the image I expect to see there in the mirror. I don't see me. I see what my mind thinks is me. Perhaps this is a part of the journey into a healthier self that I have missed.

How do I allow myself to reset my image of myself and see where I am now? Is it possible to let go of the illusion that I'm keeping in my head? I want more of the moments I experienced tonight because I liked the change that I saw.

I wonder if there are other images of myself, not literal ones, that I have held onto even though I've changed.

Inspired

So today I had the privelege of watching a video on youtube. It was the story of one guy and how he overcame his weight problem through action. A truly an inspiring video that I went on to share it with many of my friends. It would seem that everyone who saw it was inspired. I think for me it was the simple message he was putting forward. "If you want to do it, then just do it." This is how I want to live. See the video here...

So I decided, feeling motivated and inspired, to go running again tonight. Really the video didn't inspire the run, since I had already been planning on a run however I was moved and decided to set a goal farther than I had before. Years ago when I was running I did longer distances than I have been able to lately in my running. I decided to dig deep and go a farther distance because if I choose it I can do it. So I told the world (thanks FaceBook) that I was going to go run five miles. It was the video and the knowledge that I had made a commitment that allowed me to do it. In fact the running was easy. My mind was set. And I ran and I thought about inspiration.

What is it to be inspired? I think that just about anything can cause inspiration if you are looking for it. I have a folder, for example, of men that are in good physical shape similar to my body type that I use to inspire myself into my own weight loss. The weather can inspire me to take a trip to the park. Friends encouraging me to work out with them are inspiring. All of these things CAN inspire and yet normally I don't let them in. I don't look for them to get me moving.

How is it then that a stranger, who I've never met, can not only inspire me but cause me to go farther than I had before. He doesn't even know that he did that! What is it that caused it to sink in? Sure he did something incredible physically with his weight loss. That alone is impressive. However, I think it is what he is proving about his mental power that truly inspired and moved me. Watching the video one friend said, "Wow he could hurt himself running with all of that weight!" And I thought that this reaction is the point. He didn't listen to the shouldn't and can't comments. He decided to change and he did. And happiness ensued. Life is good. (I love that even that is in the video). Anyone who has tackled change in their life knows that the ultimate challenge is to overcome the doubt in our own minds. Going against what we are told or convinced ourselves to believe and truly make the change happen is monumental. This is how his story inspired me.

I think that the challenge of getting motivated is to find these inspirations in everyday life. Seeing a person jogging after school, because that is the only point in the day that they have the time, should make me  respond with realizing that I too should make things a priority. Noticing someone who has been able to create change in their life should cause me to realize that I too can be change. And the ultimate inspiration should be the one that we all see in the mirror and forget about. I've done many things that I should be proud of and I should be inspired by... I should be my own inspiration to change and move.

It's time to try Defying gravity 

I think I'll try Defying gravity 

And you can't pull me down!... 

I'm through accepting limits 

'cause someone says they're so 

Some things I cannot change 

But 'till I try, I'll never know! 

Too long I've been afraid of 

Losing love I guess I've lost 

Well, if that's love 

It comes at much too high a cost!  

I'd sooner buy Defying gravity 

Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity 

And you can't pull me down

-Defying Gravity, Wicked

I think my best part of the day was my own inspiration because I didn't stop at five miles but instead went one more to six.

Scheduled

Tonight I'm wondering why I have a need to fill up all of my time. I dislike not having anything to do, even for short periods, because I then feel like I'm wasting time or I feel lonely as I mentioned yesterday. However, I frequently find myself on the other end of the spectrum where there is so much going on that I feel I never have any down time to just relax and be. Why isn't there balance to this part of my life? Is it because I'm making plans for the wrong reasons?

I do wonder sometimes if my over scheduling of time is to avoid working on myself. I know that I am taking time to write this journal and so that is a step in the right direction. Should I be scheduling more me time and less "doing" time? Perhaps being alone and working on the idea of "What am I hungry for?" is more difficult that trying to juggle 15 different tasks and groups. This thought was born of my conversations today with my friend about my schedule. Over the past week I've become increasingly aware that I'm getting involved with so many activities that I am not leaving any wiggle room for just hanging out with myself or friends.

I suppose my need to be social has become fueled by the past 6 months where I did not scheduled much at all. Actually for the past year I did a lot of staying home and futzing around on the computer to pass the time much like a hermit. Now that I'm starting to bloom into the social world again I think that I'm doing overkill. As it stands now I'm involved in three groups that meet at least once a week. THREE!!! So that leaves 4 days free to do things and these get eaten up quickly by friends and fun events. On top of these scheduled events there is also my exercise that I've committed to and I feel I'm letting slip. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate and make some cuts before I'm forced to swing back into the non social catatonic place that I just came out of.

I think that being overly busy is just as bad, if not worse, than being under busy. I want balance. I want to know what balance is. I want one evening a week of downtime. Not hanging out with friends even, just down time... and I don't want it "scheduled." Perhaps it's time to make another list and sort out my time like I've sorted out my chores. (BTW I got to knock off two more off my list of unfinished items, yay!)

If I get more in touch with me perhaps I won't need to make all these plans to try and fill up my time.

Loneliness

My weekend has been good and quite productive. I had a great evening on Friday starting at my favorite restaurant, Bandera, and ending with good company, wine and a movie. Saturday was mostly a productive day working on the front yard which is very close to being finished and then cleaning the garage a bit. I also spent some quality nap time with the cats after working in the yard. Dinner with my friend was good and low key. Today again was a nice day where I did more chores and finishing up around the house. Then there was bowling with so many fun people including a friend that just came to chat. 

All this being said, I've been thinking a lot about the concept of loneliness. It's an odd emotion or state of mind that I don't fully understand. Today I've felt lonely many times and I have no reason for it that I know. And yet the emotion that I feel is sort of an emptiness or space that I need to fill...

"Loneliness is a feeling in which people experience a strong sense of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is often compared to feeling empty, unwanted, and unimportant."  -Wikipedia.org

What I don't understand is why this feeling comes on. I am not lacking in friends or people that I can call on. In fact there are many people that if I were to call I could go and see them at any time of day. But then the loneliness doesn't seem to be about that. It's odd since I think a person can feel lonely even with a group of people. I'm wondering if loneliness is less about people and more about feeling wanted or involved.

I know that when I was feeling lonely today my thoughts went to the fact that I'm home alone. Sure I was doing things around the house with the cats but I wanted to be doing things with people. I think a sort of self pity took over and that took me into the lonely. (yes now I think it's an entity) Even as I'm writing this I'm remembering just a few days ago writing about the power of being alone and enjoying it. So what was different today? Am I not wanting to be alone with myself? Is there a fear of not doing something all the time and just being still.

A still scarier question : why do I apparently need to have people trying to plan things with me? I think it's this last one that came to me and struck a chord. I think I have a fear of not being liked by people or passed up. And I want to rally against this. It is just easier to go into the dark lonely and believe that I'm home not doing anything because I don't affect people. Hmmm that is interesting, is it a fear of not being noticed? Why am I so concerned anyway? I know that I have close friends and I know that I don't need to be around people all the time.

A final thought I've had repeatedly is that I should enjoy being with just me. The focus should not be on how many people are around or what fun things I'm doing with them. Quality time can still be had with or without others. I was productive and successful with my two days off of work and that should be my focus.

I wonder if in a few days I'll be complaining that I have no time to myself.

One

So here I am, one month has gone by. I think that the journal is helping me to connect with myself. Some nights I have to make myself write and then the words flow. It's a lot like anything that is good for me. I don't really want to do it but once I start I enjoy myself. So I will continue to write and continue to see what my mind is pondering day by day.

In the past month I think I've really been trying to focus more on making me important. This is not meant to be egotistical or self centered but rather a way to help myself be all I can be. I have noticed that I have a much more positive outlook day by day. I smile more and complain less. I'm getting into great shape as I've applied my discipline practices to my work out routines and I'm now actually doing something active six days a week. I feel fantastic. I see lots of positive change.

This next month I believe it's continuing the momentum that will be a challenge. I need to find a way to keep the energy going and not fall into a routine that bores me. I already have found one new thing to do; I'm going to try yoga. I look forward to see where the journal and my writing will take me.

Life is good.

Moments

"This was just a moment in the woods,
shimmering and lovely and sad...."

Today I had a really nice run. I always listen to music when I run because it keeps my body in a beat and moving. Sometimes I think that music can impart its own energy into me. I don't know why this is but it does help when running several miles. What I've started to notice is that the run is becoming more a time for my mind to process things than just an exercise of the body.

I've had a couple of runs now that were quite productive, mentally speaking. After the initial shock for my body of, "Dear god here he goes again... Does anyone in here know why he has us running? Is something chasing him? Are we trying to get somewhere because I think we're going in circles!?" Yes, after that shock wears off I get into the rhythm and then a calm where I can think about things thoroughly, without distraction. I find myself pouring over things I need to do and get lost in planning ways to solve whatever is on my mind. Today it was working on a newspaper project that I'm needing to do with my students and I am really excited about what I brainstormed. It felt great to come up with a plan that I can use to take action.

I also had time during the run where I wasn't thinking much about anything. I used these times to consciously try and be in the moment. This is never an easy thing to do. Just opening up and experiencing what is going on around myself without thinking about what I did earlier or what I am going to do later takes a lot of mental effort. There are brief moments where I succeed and I'm awed by all that is around that goes unnoticed. And it's normally the stuff that I think gets dismissed as unimportant: Feeling the temperature on my skin change as I move from the sun to the shade and back again, the smell of the mud where the water is pooling, a bird chirping up on a tree branch, the colors that the leaves are starting to turn, a slight breeze on my skin, water dripping from my elbow.... And in those brief moments that I am witness to I smile and remember that life is good.

However you can't live in a single moment. Moments are fluid and move with time; ever changing. If a moment is frozen and time were to stand still then it would no longer have any substance. I think this is what bothers me about taking pictures of events all the time. These frozen moments don't really hold much interest for me. They can inspire memories of what was actually happening but frequently I find them empty. Furthermore, it would seem that some people sacrifice an actual experience to take lots of small potentially meaningless snapshots. I believe that the most important thing about a moment that you are experiencing is seeing and feeling the change that it makes in your life. It is the awareness of change that causes you to truly appreciate it.

I think this is the challenge of living in now. The moment is not static. Now is not static. It is not something that you can hold onto. It is always moving forward at the speed of life and never staying still. This makes keeping pace with it difficult. It's easier to race ahead and see what is down the road or to look in the rear-view mirror and see what is behind than to keep at the speed limit. However, in those small moments where I do stay in the now I find happiness. Life is good!

"Oh if life were only moments, 

even now and then a bad one. 

But if life were only moments

 then you'd never know you had one... 

Let the moment go... 

Don't Forget it for a moment though."

-Into the Woods, Stephen Sondheim

Perception

Tonight my attention was turned to perception.I'm amazed about how much I do is based on how I want to be perceived by other people. I can honestly say that one thing I fear is that people will think that I'm unkind or cruel. I don't want people to have a negative opinion of me in any way. And yet when I think of this objectively it doesn't really matter that much. Everyone's perception is not only made up of the observations but also of that persons past experiences, beliefs, and emotions. That is not something that truly reflects me.

As a person, I can only make the choices that I believe are right for me. If I am truly doing what I believe is best then what I'm doing is the correct choice. Who could ask for more than that of themselves? I think the problem lies in believing that other peoples thoughts and opinions are factual; that they have substance. I cannot control how other people are going to think. I don't know how anyone else will interpret my choices. And, for that point, it shouldn't matter because their opinions and thoughts are theirs, and I cannot truly affect them or change them. Yet I want to help shape these perceptions. I don't want people to attach their own ideas to my life when they carry negative connotations. But again, why does it matter.

Isn't the whole point of being alive to live your own life. I don't have to answer to anyone but myself. If I can honestly say that I'm doing all I can to live a good life, and try to respect others, then isn't that enough? Do I need to have the approval of others as to the choices I make and how I conduct myself?

I think that this is one of my weaknesses. I place to much value on others perception of me rather than knowing what I'm doing. I don't trust in my own decisions perhaps and look for outside justification. Perhaps this is a dangerous thing to do since I don't know how anyone will read a set of circumstances. Maybe the secret to feeling full and satisfied is to trust in myself and my decisions.

Connect

Today I was reminded of the power of a name.

I think it's easy in the day to day to forget that all of the people I interact with at the store, or work, or out on the street are people. I'm not saying that I don't know that they are human beings but when there is no personal connection it's easy to dismiss their lives; or worse not even acknowledge what might be going on in their world. So many people get passed by without a thought. The person at the store who may have just found a first love. A person running the track near you who just had a lousy day at work. Someone who stayed up all night worrying about their husband/son/mother....

All these people with lives that I don't connect with. And it's unreasonable to connect with everyone... not to mention I wouldn't want to. But just as easy is to acknowledge them and say hello. I can't tell you how often I run by people who don't even look up from their world. Sometimes I wonder if they know that there are other people around. This has led me to think of my own response. Even when I am noticing the people around me that is not acknowledging them or the world I'm in. It takes and effort to get outside of my own head and touch lives. Perhaps it's that it feels vulnerable because I'm afraid that I won't get reciprocation of an acknowledgement. Whatever the reason I have started to remember the joy of connecting.

It started small really. While running, I'd make a conscious effort to nod at people as I passed them. It's funny because a nod is so impersonal, but it is still better than no response. I found that most people would nod back. And then my nod that I was doing started to be a smile. Smiles are contagious and most people would smile back. The past two times I've gone out running I've actually said, "Good Morning", "Hi!", or "Thanks for moving over." And it's amazing the energy I get back from this. Sure there are a few that still go on by in their own world, but more often than not I connect with the person for a moment. Sometimes a smile. Sometimes just an understanding glance. But the connection with these people, these strangers, is empowering.

I think it's funny that all of the service people you encounter throughout the day wear name tags that almost no one uses. Well, no one uses for good. Usually they are used in the context of, "What's your name? Tony? I'm reporting you to the manager!" But there are all of these people wearing their name on their chest, interacting with people, and so many people ignore it. So I've started noticing. I make a point of using someones name in my conversation with them. "Thanks for your help Tony!" Again it's a way to connect with the person and see them as someone who has their own life going on. It is a small gesture for me and almost a guaranteed smile from them. And doesn't helping someone smile feel great? I think I remember a study that showed that hearing your name causes a burst of positive energy, or endorphins in the brain. Not sure where I remember that from but it does sound right.

I connect with people and then I smile with the energy that the world gives back to me for the effort.

Check in

The list is shrinking! Today I pulled out my to-do list and it is in fact shrinking. I'm aware that a few items on the list are going to no happen by my due date because of financial reasons but the fact that I'm still looking forward to completing them is a great thing.

Today I worked on the yard and got quite a bit accomplished. It's amazing how good it feels to get things done. I still don't know why I avoid all these little tasks that I'm now tackling. It seems silly in retrospect. I guess it's a lot like going for a run. I don't want to do it right up until the moment I'm heading out the door. Then, once I'm actually in the run I feel fantastic. Getting these chores done is the same. I get some joy out of crossing things off the to-do list. In fact I can see that I'm going to need to start adding items that I can focus on as well. Oooo... just thought of one!

Tonight I also started the winter bowling league. I had fun seeing people. This is the first time I've seen many of them in three months and I must say it was a boost to my efforts at getting leaner and being healthy. I had many positive comments made to me about how great I'm looking. I made sure to thank anyone that talked to me about it as I know that they are just motivating me more to stick with it.

Speaking of keeping with it, I'm almost at one full month of Journaling. Wow! I really think that it is helping me to find direction. Thanks to those of you that are traveling along on this journey. It's good to know that a few of you can see what is going on in my head.

Take Action

Living in the moment feels great!

I've decided to start making things happen for myself and it's a fantastic feeling. It is amazing to me how I can easily be drawn into a woe is me mode when it comes to planning what I want. I've had plenty of times where I don't feel that I fit into a crowd or I don't have anyone asking to do things. And the sad thing I'm learning is that it is probably due to my own choices. Instead of choosing to feel bad I can take action and change my circumstance. If I don't want to change the circumstance then accepting it and moving forward feels so much better than just feeling bad for myself.

I've been busy the past few days. This isn't unusual because it's how I operate. I like to get out and do things a lot of the time. So last night when I had no plans I kept wondering what would happen. Nothing was changing and I felt that familiar woe's me creeping up. I decided to say no to it. I decided to be proactive and so I put it out there to the world via Facebook and amazingly enough, I found several offers on things that were going on around town that I could attend or join friends in doing. It just took me the part of making the effort and taking action rather than playing the victim.

I'm reminded of my epiphany that I need to choose my mood and this is no different. I need to choose to be active in my world if I want it to happen in any specific pattern. I simply need to make the choice to participate and not sit on the sidelines.

That being said, tonight I find myself home, alone. And it is good. I did have a moment of thinking of all the things going on out in the world that I'm not experiencing: Second Saturday, a party, friends, etc. And yet with no plans for the evening I decided that I was ok with that, and accepted what I had been handed by the world. The action was my choice not to be bitter or upset with my situation. I did in fact have a nice evening relaxing and just being alone.

Choice is indeed powerful. And I'm learning all the time how powerful it is. Just a sheer act of will can change so much in my life. I'm realizing that choice is something that I look for in other people because it is a powerful and attractive thing. Perhaps I need to practice taking action more in my life.

Labeled

It's the age old question, is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable. This discussion can go on by most anyone arguing both sides of the coin. And really it's a toss up, but it seems that most people will engage in the trivial debate. I think that it is a love of labels that drives it. It would seem that we are all constantly looking to label everything around us.

In the past few days I've been aware of labels. I'm not sure what started me thinking about it, perhaps just something sparked my curiosity. What I'm beginning to notice is that the label seems to give the importance rather that the thing being labeled. The easiest example to see this in is clothing. We see certain brands of clothing to be better than others. Tommy Hilfiger making a hat and putting his name on it will draw much more money and prestige than a hat of the same material branded by JC Penny. What kills me is that the price changes because of how it's perceived not for any physical difference. People pay more because they in turn want people to think that they are more valuable or sophisticated. It just seems wrong and materialistic. And I know I play into this system as well, though I fight with it in my mind.

But really the labels are everywhere. I think that where I'm most disturbed by them is where it comes to people. It seems far to easy to label someone in my mind before I know much about them. And the labels have a huge range: old, clingy, woman, sassy, straight, bitchy, friendly, cute, shy, indian,  funny, annoying, gross, black, gay, bitter, queeny, stupid.... the list goes on. It's not a conscious choice it's almost instant somewhere in the back of my head. How do I not do that? It's amazing that it happens. And I am objective about it. I am aware of it and so I can look at that label that pops up and say to myself, "that's not necessarily true. You don't know anything about them so you can't decide that." And it helps me be open and realize that for all I know the pissy person I just met was just laid off and has a right to be upset. But I don't like the labels.

I don't like the labels because I don't like to be labeled. I can fit into dozens of labels I'm sure. And yes they may apply to me in some ways but I don't want to be defined by any one of these labels. I am not just a teacher. I am not just a man. I am not just gay. There is so much more to me and I'm always afraid that people won't get to know me as a whole because of a label that they have stuck on me. I think that this fear of someone trying to wrap me up in a box is why I don't like to label others. Why do they need to have those tags stuck on them? Cant' they just be a person? Why is it tough to just get to know Douglas or Sue without looking them over and having a bunch of labels get printed in my head about them?

I hope that I'm not the only one that struggles with this. I know that being aware of the fact that I do allows me to be objective. But is it possible not to think these things though? Is it possible not to try categorize everything and just experience it in the moments for what it is? How do you get to know people without the labels that seem to dominate the mind?

Does it matter if the tomato is a fruit or a vegetable? Will knowing this definitively make the world a better place?

Note: even as I'm writing this post I have a box constantly beckoning to me at the bottom of the blog to type in words with which to "Label" the post.

"Everyone's a little bit racist today.

So everyone's a little bit racist ok.

Look around and you will find, 

no one's really color blind,

maybe it's a fact we all should face....."

-Avenue Q

Still

Not much to write about today. My mind has been calm and still. Perhaps after the last few days it was time for it to take a day off. Funny how after all the noise that thoughts can make in your head you can miss it when there is a calm. I'm settling into some routines now with my exercise and that is good. I think overall I feel more in touch with myself and more able to encourage myself to do things that are good for me. This is something that I think I've been trying to figure out for a long time. I think it's been to easy to put myself to the side and not worry about me. Perhaps that's why at times I feel down on myself for not taking care of my surroundings. Perhaps this is the journey that I've been needing to take.

So with a rather empty head and three fantastic cats that want attention I'm going to go and lay in the quiet of the night, let the sound of the wind fill my ears and allow the darkness to take me.

Tatts

Really it's branding. Let's call it what it is. Sure there is ink and sometimes color involved but when it all comes down to it we are branding our skin. I noticed several tattoos this evening and for each one I wanted to know more. What is so personal to you that you are willing to wear it forever for the world to see (and sometimes judge)?

I have two tattoos and I have a third that is designed. I don't take the process lightly. I know what I am getting into by going under the needle. I know that it is something that is going to be permanently a part of me. This is the reason that I don't go into it haphazardly. The tattoos that I have each has meaning to me as I know that all tattoos have meaning to people. Sure some people don't really think about their tattoos all that much. They walk into a tattoo parlor, point to the "cool looking" tribal design or some other shit on the wall and tell the guy, "I want that one." But I think even this sort of lackadaisical selection speaks volumes about those that get them. There is something behind it even if it is impulse rather than thought driven. (Note that I didn't reference the person doing the tattoo as an artist. I wouldn't give them that title because the true tattoo artists that I met don't like rushing into doing a tattoo either. It means a lot to them as well.) So what do tattoos say. What do mine say..

I have a band on my arm that is a nice tribal design. To the casual observer it is just that and not all that interesting. However, if someone were to take the time to ask they would find out so much more. They would discover that I designed it. It is created, abstractly, out of the numbers 180 which can be seen though they don't stand next to each other as text. The design is a turning point in my life where I was taking control of myself and starting to find my own direction. The tattoo is a reminder of that turning point so that I can continue forward. Or, to the casual eye, it's a nice tribal design. I created this tattoo and kept it close to myself for over six months to be sure it was indeed something that I wanted.

My second tattoo was done in Hawaii. It is as close to spontaneous that I think I will ever come with a tattoo. I have always liked tattoos on the back of a guys calf and had been thinking about designing one. While in Hawaii with friends I found myself alone a lot. I was not there with any specific person but had met with a group of friends many of whom were coupled. Over the week I found strength in that solitude and I wanted to remember it. I decided to create a design that would remind me of that feeling of self so that I could take it with me and keep it going. The design was also influenced by Hawaii, Maui to be specific so that too became part of the design. In the end what I created was a single line that traced the outline of the island of Maui. One line to represent the solitude and self. The line also resembles a wave which I chose because a great deal of my time was spent going with the flow as it were. And so when I see it I remember that I am important. I need to rely on myself.

The third, unwritten tattoo is one that is close to me. It took a long time to design and while it is close to being finished it still needs some small changes. The tattoo is one that represents my philosophy of life (and a catchy slogan for a clothes line lol). Life is Good. I have many iterations of the design but the one that I am close to completing incorporates the ankh, a symbol for life with a tribal design much like my arm band. I know that I will at some point, when the time is right, get branded with this symbol. After all it is important to me and I like the visual reminder.

As I write this long post I think that there are many that judge the tattoos. Some that look at them and just think that it is ugly, or that it will be ugly when it fades, that they are dirty, that the person has no taste. I challenge those people not to judge but to ask. I rarely find anyone that won't discuss the tattoos and what they mean if sincerely asked. I've not often been told there is no meaning behind a tattoo. I think that it's one more opportunity to be open to other people's lives and experiences.

Besides... frequently the tattoos look hot!

Slap

I was with friends at the festival and the guy singing was not all that great. It's loud and hot and I'm not altogether with it but it is good to be out. I feel a tap from my friend..
"... weh bwoen aopweor over there?" He's pointing and his voice is getting drowned out by the crowd and singer.
I look and I don't see anything in the direction that looks interesting to warrant this so I look back at him with a confused face. 
"Isn't that Jeff?"
I look back confused.. Who? I don't know who I'm looking for. There are crowds of people and no one that seems familiar. So I look more and still feel confused so I look back.
"Who?"
"JEFF! Over near that trash can."
I look back, "who's....
---
------
And it hit. Reeling like I had been struck by someone in the chest. It was surreal. The universe slapped me hard and I felt everything intensify. I'm sure it all happened in a split second but it seemed to take an eternity. I stared back to see my ex Jeff. My ex who had inadvertently broken my heart. I say inadvertently because he didn't seem to be a willing participant and yet it was because of his choice. And he didn't see me...and I didn't think I wanted him to. All these feelings of anxiety, fear, and hurt came back. And I was instantly sad and lonely all at once. It was almost as if the world had disolved, the music, the crowd, my friends, everything. And then the crowd came back into my ears and I pulled my eyes away. I was trying to decide how I should be reacting to my friend that had pointed him out. I was at a loss and I looked back and watched him walk down the street.

The short "interaction" with a ghost left me retreating into my head. I wasn't really sure what to do. Part of me wanted to go say hello to him but I was sure that the conversation would be superficial and unfulfilling. What could be said that hadn't already. What was it I could talk to him about?

He had broken me. He had made me dig deep inside of myself to find strength to let go of love. No one should ever be forced to do that. It was one of my biggest trials in this life. I'd like to say that I won the battle and yet I'm the one that got hurt. I don't know if he ever felt the loss or pain that I did. I don't doubt that he loved me, at least at one point, but did he feel the pain?

 Addiction is a strong force and I learned a lot about it in the year and a half that I was with him. I was so happy to have found such an amazing man and I enjoyed getting to know him. I did learn early on that he was a recovering addict. Aren't we supposed to forgive people's pasts and not judge them for it? And so I continued to fall in love with him. Over time he learned to love his drugs again, though I suspect he never really stopped loving them, and I learned to be codependent and try and bandage the gaping wounds he was forging in our lives. I spent a year pretending things were better than they were; convincing myself that I was only going to make it worse if I left; doing my best to create the facade because things would get better... wouldn't' they?

I know that it could have been much worse had I stayed, but leaving? Do the experts and counselors understand what it means to leave? Do they know that it's not the addict at that point that gets hurt. Do they realize how tough it truely is for those of us that love the addict and want them to be the person that they are when they are/were sober? Really I think that one of my biggest problems with the end of the relationship was that I was the one that was hurt and he got to go on in blissful ignorance induced by his drug filled stupor. I had to reach in and pull my still loving, beating heart out and leave him. And he asked me not to go. He said he would stop. And I had heard that before. I finally accepted that I was defeated and the drug had so much more power than I ever could. And I left, but I didn't feel good about it. I didn't FEEL like I was doing the right thing. This was not fair! FUCK HIM!

Pain

Unbelievable pain.

In the aftermath I felt cold hearted. I felt mean. I felt like I was the one that was the asshole and not him. Isn't that ironic? I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't cause this damned problem and I couldn't fix it! Why couldn't I fix it.

....And so I stood there on the street with all of this pain resurfacing. All the hopes for the man I loved resurfacing. All the pain.... Part of me wanted to go over and kick the shit out of him for the pain that he's caused me. And another part, perhaps codependent or the love, thinks that it was the drug induced stupor and it wasn't that he was choosing the drugs over me but the drugs were choosing him.

As ghosts do, real or imagined, I watched him disappear into the crowd. I looked for him for the rest of the day not sure what I would do if I saw him. And then he appeared again on the other side of the street. Maybe I should say hello... Maybe I should..  He isn't the person now that I was in love with. People shouldn't talk to ghosts. It's not good for them. Let the past go. There are unresolved thoughts and questions but he can't answer them. No one can. And so I caught myself walking forward towards him. Let him go, my heart screamed. And so I did. Again.

Pain.

Makeup

I was driving in my car and stopped at a light the other morning. It's funny how everyone in their car is in their own little world. Sometime I think we all forget that it is glass around us instead of solid walls. I know that I have been caught singing along to a song I love on the radio, checking out the pimple on the side of my cheek that just popped up, or even clipping my nails. Not all of these things are bad per se, but they aren't exactly activities that I think about people watching me do. And yet sitting in my car I will do them because I'm in my own little bubble.

As I was peering around at all the other drivers on their way to work or wherever I noticed the lady in the car behind me. She was sitting their with her visor down and was going what could only be described as a ritual of applying her makeup. I watched, much like a voyeur, interested to see how intense she was with the application. I'm sure that there was a difference as she covered each part of her face with the makeup but there was no noticeable difference to me. She was so intent on covering it all and it didn't seem to look any different. What is the point of this ritual. Why is there the need to put on the makeup just to look like you aren't wearing any makeup.

For that matter why is it accepted that women should or can wear makeup where it is greatly discouraged for guys. Are guys not supposed to look flawless? Are we supposed to have the nick and blemishes to show that we are manly? Please don't get me wrong. I have no desire to be covered up with makeup like a mask but I am curious how these makeup rules came into being.

Thinking about it over the past couple of days I've come to have more questions than not. I have to wonder why we need to make ourselves appear flawless to people rather than celebrate our imperfections. I think everyone finds some way to distract from flaws whether it be through makeup, or the gym, or facial hair, or clothes. And again I wonder why it is that this practice of makeup is one that men are not made to partake in. Why do we expect women to wear the makeup. Is it just ingrained by society? Do women do it to feel pretty? And if that's the case do they know that they are still pretty without it?

Who is it that makes up the strange rules in society that we all follow?

Silence

Sometimes I notice that silence seems to have a sound. It's odd really. But sometimes the silence seems to have a pressure to it. It sort of weighs on my ears, my skin, and becomes solid. It pushes into my head like a soft pillow and I can feel the weight of it. I notice it most when my mind is not active. No troubling thoughts to keep it racing. No problems to keep it wandering. Just here, just now. And there is such a peace and relaxation to it.

Normally I feel that there is so much going on in my head that I forget I don't need all the jabber. I keep the engine turning to solve problems or think about tomorrow. I keep my mind working all the time. And then, sometimes, I put out the thought patterns one by one. I tell my brain I'm done, and I don't need to think anymore. Tomorrow will come. Problems will be solved in due time. And what's amazing is that I listen to myself. The my mind calms and when it does the silence is as enjoyable as anything can be. Soothing, enveloping.

I wonder why it's so hard sometimes to sit with other people in silence. Do they know what's going on in my head? Are they able to see how messed up I am in there? I almost feel like they are intruding on the silence and my thoughts. Can I turn on the radio so that I don't have to think or be alone with them with my thoughts? And it's funny because usually I don't wonder what it is that they are thinking about. I'm not reading their thoughts but I'm sure that they are reading mine and I feel exposed.

And then there are those that I am open to. Those that could ask me a question and I would tell them anything because I know they won't judge me. These are the people that I can sit with in silence. Friends, not in the loose sense of the word. These are the people that see past every facade and know me. Perhaps it's not the silence that is uncomfortable with other people, but rather all that is unsaid that could be said. Perhaps it's understanding that they don't know me better in the silence; this is the discomfort.

Thank you to the few that I can bare my soul to and I can sit in silence with. Thank you for sharing yourself and your quiet with me.

Discipline

Another good day today. I'm enjoying the routines that I'm creating for myself. I know that I have to keep on myself though because for some reason the habits that are best for me seem the most difficult to continue. I find myself trying to find reasons to not carry out my schedule or tasks and I don't know why.

Running for example is something that is great for me. I know that many people just don't want to run for anything and yet I've found that I really enjoy it. Sure there is some discomfort at the beginning of the run until I get into the rhythm of it but that is part of the experience. And as I get into the rhythm I love that as I run my mind processes things. I feel energized by the run at the end even when I'm physically tired. And the benefits are there long after, I sleep better and I have more energy. I also find that I have less hunger (weird huh) after the workout. So with all of these positives why is it that I don't want to do it. I mentally wrestle with myself right up to the moment that I'm getting out the door. And it's amazing the rationale that my mind comes up with.

Running isn't the only time that I do this with myself. And yet I don't know why. It's a good habit. I know that it takes something like 2 months to create a habit and yet I've done it longer than that. As in the past I know that if I have a week where something comes up it is all too easy to let the running go. And then, it's almost shocking how quickly, a year has gone by with no running. I have to believe that other people have this same issue in their life. I start on a path to better myself and I sabotage myself in any way possible.

I find that I keep telling myself that I need to be disciplined. It's funny that this word seems to have a negative connotation to it. As a kid you are disciplined when you are bad and yet it is a good quality that everyone should possess.  I remind myself that I need to be disciplined in some things. I need to take control and push myself farther. And no, this isn't being a taskmaster, it's most often in the little choices; not letting myself stop in the middle of cleaning the house, making the meal I planned to rather than just picking up some fast food, or finishing the lap I'm walking/running instead of cutting out early. I think that there is an ego boost every time I am disciplined since it proves to me that I can conquer that little part in my head that tells me it would rather be lazy. I am in charge of me!

Perhaps if I can figure out the discipline thing I can actually keep the habit. Maybe my trouble is that I'm lazy at heart? Who can know.

dis·ci·pline  (ds-pln)

n.

1. Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.

2. Controlled behavior resulting from disciplinary training; self-control.

From thefreedictionary.com