Hunger

I am sitting here this evening pondering the question, "What am I hungry for?" I am not being in any way literal about this. This question was posed to me at a Weight Watcher meeting by one of the most inspiring leaders I've had. He made a point of repeating this question for three weeks. He asked us to think about this question and try to figure out our own answers. He did bring it up in relationship to food, it is Weight Watchers after all, but his point was that it is not about food. Most of us in that room, and I'd like to think that everyone at some point or other in their lives, identified with those moments that we are going through the kitchen searching for what we want to eat. I have done it on many occasions believing that I wanted something sweet. So I have some candy. I think, "No, that wasn't what I wanted.... perhaps something savory." So I eat some cheese and crackers. I think, "Hmmm, no, that wasn't right, maybe something creamy..." and it continues. And it continues and nothing seems to help so I try something else. Really their isn't any food at that point that will satiate me, and yet I would still go back looking for the food that would help. This moment is what this question is about. It is not what type of food am I hungry for but rather what is it I'm searching for and hoping to solve through the instant gratification of food. The answer is not in the kitchen. Figure out the answer to this, he challenged us, and you will no longer find yourself trying to solve it with food.

I think that perhaps right now there is something just out of my grasp that I'm searching for in my life. I don't know what it is and perhaps that is the problem. I feel somehow incomplete and I'm looking for something to fill the void. I want to be content and yet I'm not, even though I don't feel upset or bad about it. It's really a difficult thing to explain. It's simply a part of me that seems like it needs to be given attention to or filled. I can't say that I feel like this all the time but rather it comes and goes. It's a bit like a toothache that flares up to be sure you are listening and then fades back so that you can figure out a solution. I don't think I've been finding that solution so well.

The confusing part of this scenario is that I feel very fortunate in my life. I'm employed. I have a fantastic, loving family. I have many good friends who I know I could call on anytime of the day for support. I have a house. I have laughter. I have my health... and the list goes on. With all this I don't understand what is missing. True, I'm not in a relationship and I would really like that, but I have this feeling in my gut that a relationship is not what I'm missing. I have been in good relationships and the "hunger" has persisted.

This blog I think started because of that initial question of my leader. I believed that if I started journaling I would discover why I would at times stand and eat fifteen different things in the kitchen. I don't do that anymore by the way, but it just seems that the "hunger" has just been shifting because I have not found the source (tonight I'm "hungry" for cuddling up close to someone... but I am resistant to that since I have the wrong reasons). I do feel a bit frustrated because I'm not sure where I'm supposed to look to find the answer. I feel that I've been doing some pretty good soul searching the past couple of months and yet I still don't seem to have the answer. Am I still just hiding things from myself without knowing it?  Perhaps I'm still not truly happy with me. I do believe that the part that is missing is in me. Somehow I'm supposed to solve the riddle with only me as the clue. I know that I really need to figure out what it is I'm searching for and that it is probably not a physical thing. If this is the case how do I rectify the situation? How do I get to the point that I feel complete?

Curly: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and everything else don't mean shit.
Mitch: That's great, but what's the one thing?
Curly: That's what you've got to figure out.                                                    -City Slickers