Puzzled

Change is not easy. Nor is the path getting there. I've been staring at the puzzle for so long and I have been able to come to the realization that the two sides just don't match. Don't get me wrong, they are close and they look good together but the pieces just don't fit.

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It's like when you were doing a puzzle growing up. Sometimes you were trying to fit the pieces together and you'd grab two of them because they have similar colors and similar patterns. The pieces even have the right shaped cutouts along the edge. Fantastic! That joy of getting to put them together and move on with more of the whole put together. It's a little triumph for each connections isn't it? 

So then you come to the ones that are the same and you put them together. Something isn't right... The pieces don't slip into each other seamlessly. You don't notice it at first you just set them down and notice that they aren't sitting quite right. So you pull them apart a bit and look at them. They both look right. The colors look right. The edges look right. So you put them back together and still they don't quite fit. You push them in together and see if that helps.Still not quite together but you ignore that. Maybe the press didn't cut the edge right. Maybe there's still a bit of extra paper. There are so many possible reasons it's easy to dismiss this slight irregularity and continue with the puzzle. 

It is as you continue to put together the puzzle that your eye returns to these pieces that don't quite fit. The more you continue building the puzzle the more you see the pieces that were just slightly off. And the more you try to ignore them the more you notice it. 

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I am overwhelmed by the fact that the pieces haven't been matching. I've been ignoring the little differences for so long that I was convinced they weren't there; all the while building the puzzle around me. It's amazing how I can just pretend that things that are important to me don't matter. The mind is an amazing thing. So easily does it convince us of what we want to believe rather than facing the truth. In the end the truth prevails. 

And so tonight, with a sad ceremony I began removing the pieces of the puzzle. I can no longer pretend that the two match correctly. It feels like defeat. I know that it's right because after all who wants a puzzle that doesn't look right. What would I do when I have one last piece left that also doesn't fit.

I'm not sure how to deal with the sadness of now. Part of me is still numb and doesn't feel it yet. Part of me wonders why I don't feel it more yet. And then another wave of realization hits me and I cry again. Losing the familiar is painful. 

Change is tough. 

My heart hurts.