Crucify...

This evening as I was coming home with my friend we started talking about relationships and how tough they can be. She mentioned one of her friends and how she was dealing with her partner wanting to have other people join them in the bedroom. She didn't want to and yet he kept asking for it and fixating on it so much that they were getting into arguments. While this situation to me had it's own set of relationship issues at its core, the really awing thing was that her friend was starting to actually consider it since the boyfriend kept harping on it. Really? She was going to try and do something that totally goes against her wants and needs to try and keep the guy? Maybe she should realize that he's not the right guy! This lead me to start thinking about how it is that in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, we sacrifice things.

I think in many of my relationships I've put aside things that I believe I want in order to make it work. I think it's something we all do. I guess it's rooted in the knowledge that relationships are supposed to take work and therefore no one can get everything they want from a relationship. And so, in stride, I accept differences. And I think, "It's ok I don't really need that".. And then time passes and I find myself unhappy and I don't know why. Didn't I accept that I wasn't going to get everything from the relationship? Was that a smart move? Is it fair that I'm wanting something from the other person that I know they can't give? And if I know that then why am I upset about it?

And now a musical interlude from Tori Amos from her song with the same title as today's post:

Why do we

Crucify ourselves

Every day

I crucify myself

Nothing I do is good enough for you

Crucify myself

Every day

And my heart is sick of being in chains

I think that what it comes down to, at least for me, is that I really want things to work out. I want the relationship to move forward so I sacrifice little wishes in the hopes that the bigger picture will work out. And now what I'm finding is that I really need to be clear on what can be sacrificed and what, in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, are the deal breakers. Recently I've discovered two of my deal breakers for a significant other. I need him to be social. This is something that I've now ignored too many times. I'm a very social being and I need for my partner to want that as well. I also a great fan of games. I'm competitive but it's in good fun. I need to have that in my relationship as well. And yet these things are some of the many that I've given up on to try and make a relationship work. What's the point of making a relationship work if I'm not going to be me in the relationship?

I think that it is this point that I've been missing. I try to be the person that would work for the relationship. I know that sounds drastic but it isn't really. It's the little things like not playing the video games when I want to. Or not going out and being social. Or, as I did for a year, putting myself aside because, just maybe, I can help get the person off their drug of choice if I just stay around and hold their hand. However if I'm not being myself and doing all that I want to do then really then my partner is in a relationship with someone else. Shouldn't I just be me and not try to change aspects to please or pacify them?

And how do I know what parts I can give up? Is there the perfect match when you don't "give in" to anything but everything just fits?