Should I stay or should I go....

Today the rain came. There is a peace that comes over me when it rains. The weather  makes me relax and smile as it touches my soul. The smell of the rain fills my nose and invigorates me with its clean and pure scent. I love listening to the white-noise as it drums on the ground outside. It seems to drown out all the problems of the world as it attempts to clear the air. I feel as though I am wrapped up in this weather and it fits me like a warm old blanket that is comforting. Rainy weather is truly one of the joys I have in life and i never understand how people get upset with it. The only thing that I would enjoy more than the rain is enjoying it with someone that I can hold.

Tonight I passed on offers to go out on the town. I found myself making the conscious decision to stay in because what I need right now is not going to be found in the noise pollution of a bar. It is Friday but I don't need to be going out to drink and keeping myself from thinking. Part of my difficulties in getting in touch with myself, as I've said, is that I keep getting off track. I go out usually because I start feeling better about my state of mind. But going out frequently leads me to ignoring my own needs and rituals and then I'm back to square one. Tonight by going out I would have sacrificed some down time in which I didn't have any plans. (odd that these times are something that I need to protect) Going out would probably have ended with me staying downtown with friends after drinking at the bars. This then would have caused me to have excuses to skip the run that I have planned for the morning. The spiral spins off and its all from something small. This is something I've done before. It's fun in the moment and then later on I wish I had made different choices. I know that staying home tonight was a sound decision on my part. (as I'm writing this I have friends continuing to text me to try and get me to go out...I should remember this in the times where I feel like I'm ignored) I still am trying to figure out how to balance being around people and being alone. I seem to not want to be alone often, but being around people too much seems to get me off track. Practice the balance. (I need to get back to yoga)

I don't have a lot planned this weekend and I think that it will be good for me to just do some things around my house. The rain is supposed to continue to fall on and off for the rest of the weekend. I think I will enjoy the cleansing, calming nature of it and relax. Life is good.

Vacation

I have been on vacation. I would love to say that this is true in a traditional sense of the word but really it's not that glamorous. I've really been taking a vacation from all of the rituals that I set up for myself over the past few months. I've stopped many of my routines in exchange for going out and meeting people. I've wandered away from the healthier eating that I've been doing to lose weight. And for all of this I can not say that I'm that much happier from it.

A couple of weeks ago I realized that there were many events that were coming up that seemed to revolve around "good eating". And so, I decided that I wasn't going to punish myself for eating at these events but rather just allow it. I have been good about not being down on myself for it but simply tried to remain aware of it. Last week I thought that it was time to start eating well again but that didn't stick. I was on "vacation" from eating right and as long as I was enjoying the destination I might as well stay a bit longer. Meanwhile, I've been changing my schedule a lot to try and get involved with more social events. I've really been enjoying going out and spending time with old friends and meeting new ones. The result of this is that I have less time for all of the personal routines that I enjoy. I have not made it to yoga in two weeks. I did not go running more than once in a week. I even found that I wasn't spending any time with just myself. It boiled down to taking a break from everything I was doing just a couple of weeks ago.

It is good that I've been in a state of mind where I'm able to notice what I'm doing even when I'm not making  the best choices. Today I realized it was time to come back from vacation. I realized that I was missing "home". So I summoned my willpower and went for a run. I quickly fell into my old habit that I had been trying to create. I was able to let my mind wander and I realized how much I missed this. I realized that taking a break really let me appreciate what I was getting out of these routines; from watching what I ate, stopping the exercise, and most importantly spending time alone to think. I think that this is really the point of any vacation, isn't it? Whenever I go on vacation there comes that point where I realize that while the trip is nice there is something even better about going home. I appreciate what my home and my life there has to offer that I can't get from vacationing.

I am now know how much I actually like all of the "work" that I've created for myself. I feel so much better when I'm focusing my energy on me. Tonight I find myself very relaxed and at peace. I took joy in spending time alone and remembered that this is just as important as being social. Perhaps I need to again move myself up on my priority list.

Now that I'm home I think it will be a while before I take another vacation.

Experienced

Last night I watched a TV show and the whole focus of the episode was the concept that all we have are our thoughts and experiences. It is a really interesting viewpoint that seems to resonate with me. I think it's really easy to get caught up in personal possessions and having nice things around. In fact I think that it's really easy to believe that I am happy because of some of my niceties. I assign value based on monetary value rather than true worth. However, I don't think that having all the the "stuff" in the world can create happiness in someone. If this were the case then there would be no people living in poverty that were happy and no rich people who were unhappy. (Ironically it would seem that the poor people are happy more often and the rich less so) Instead I think that happiness is born of our experiences of the world. 

Experiences are something that we take with us almost regardless of what happens to us. I have a wealth of happy memories that I can call upon and smile with. I treasure these. Sometimes I want there to be something more substantial to them, but having the memory should be and usually is enough. This is why I think that getting distracted on trips with taking a picture or buying a souvenir becomes almost counter productive. I suppose that people want the picture to spark a memory but this just seems odd to me. I don't remember my trip to the Butchart Gardens with my mom because of a picture I have. I do remember, vividly, standing with her and looking at the dancing fountains. I remember her holding my hand and getting a child-like smile as she recalled growing up and loving to watch the dancing fountains as a little girl with her father. And she lived her experience and passed it on to me all in one graceful motion. I smile and am embraced by the memory... the experience. 

Maybe I should be tapping into these past experiences more often and taking from them the small joys they have to offer. Perhaps I should realize the wealth I have in all of the smiles I've experienced with my friends and all the support I've received from them over the years. Cherish the memories and remember that these are a true wealth. With that in mind, I need to also make sure that I eat up life and all of the possible experiences that I'm offered. You only get one chance (unless you believe in a second go around) so it's best not to let things pass you by. 

I wonder what experience life will provide me with next.

Two

I've now been posting for two months. I'm learning a lot about myself and it is very calming to sit and just reflect on how my life is going. I still resist writing on some days, believing that I have nothing to say. The irony is that those days that I don't want to write I end up writing the most.

It is a bit odd putting all of my mind's thoughts out for the world to see. I've had some of my close friends actually comment that it's odd to read my thoughts because they feel like they are invading my privacy. My response has been the same each time, I'm choosing to post and I've offered it up to many so they could see what I think. So read it if you like. I hope that it helps others to reflect as well, because I'm getting a lot out of it.

Being so open in the journal is a really strong reminder that I don't need to hide who I am. I don't need to try and be whatever other people expect (frequently I feel that I'm not at all what people believe). I can only be myself and people can take me or leave me. I know that it is an ongoing battle to truly live for myself, but I feel that I'm one step closer through these self revelations. Putting all of this out there and hearing some people respond to the things I've said reminds me that we are all struggling to figure out this crazy thing called life. I am reminded that I should not assume I understand what someone else is thinking or feeling because I don't know what is going on in their head. Maybe it's just that I/we forget to have the important conversations anymore. I get so caught up in the day to day that I forget to stop and smell the roses. I forget to ask people what flower they like best or what their best memory is from growing up.

So let's see where month three leads me. I'm sure it will be enlightening.

Pets

I'd like to dedicate this post to the three little ladies that greet me and love me everyday. I'm speaking of my cats, and they are truly companions for me. Each of them is so full of personality that is distinctively their own. Somehow they know when they need to come and sit with me and be still. They are playful and will get in my way for attention when I ignore them too long. They remind me to take time and appreciate their presence and their love. They remind me that spontaneous play is a good and necessary thing. I love them as my family.

All of my life I have loved animals. When I was little I had some dreams of being a veterinarian. I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to help all the sick animals and make them better. My mother, wanting to protect me from disappointment, reminded me that while vets do help animals they can't always help. I think she was afraid of me getting hurt because she could see how sensitive I was to the lives of the animals around me. Perhaps she was right. I cannot imagine not being able to help an animal or worse seeing the ends of so many animals lives be it natural or not. I'm not sure what would be worse, the animals death or the animals family's grief. And I gave up the idea of being a vet and respect those that do it all the more.

All through my life I have had a pet of some sort or other. I have had animals of all shapes and sizes from fish to dogs, cats to snakes, and even a tarantula. I am awed by animals and their simple nature. I truly see them as happy beings and they don't seem to worry about anything. They just are who they are. I know that some may argue that it is because they are "simple" creatures and they just run on instinct. I have a hard time believing that. How does a dog know to come and sit by your side when you are depressed even when they don't normally do that. Why does a cat but heads with me and begin purring when I've had a bad day. I can't help but see these signs that they understand the emotions that I go through and want to be there for me. Doesn't this imply that they understand the emotions as well? When I spent over a month nursing Jacks back to heath, feeling my heart break every time I had to force food into the feeding tube she had implanted, she would resist. However she seemed to know that I was trying to help and tried to tell me how she was doing with her cat language. (I am grateful for her full recovery) I have asked many people the question as to whether birds enjoy flying. I'm always interested to hear the response because it would seem that few people ponder this or even think it is a valid question. Do they? I truly believe that they do. I think that animals feel emotions as we do and react to the world in their own ways. Next time you see a bird hovering on the wind, diving in and out of it and not moving forward, or watching the ground, ask yourself why. It has no reason to be doing this unless it just feels good.

Animals I find are a great reminder of how we all should live. I've seen several pictures and stories of animals that have crossed boundaries to help each other. Animals that selflessly help their owners by cheering them up or guiding their way. Cats helping dogs to live their lives. Deer finding a playmate in a orange tabby cat. A dog rescuing his friend from traffic. I believe that we all should take more notice of our family friends and learn from them. They seem to have this life thing pretty well figured out (many of them even have human servants waiting on them like mine do). Selfless love and compassion, living life to the fullest, napping and being alone often, eat when you are hungry, and snuggle with someone as often as you can, all can be learned if you pay attention.

In Memory:

Mandy - Childhood Dog
Scratches - Cat (trained herself to use a toilet!)
Ginger - Dog (best friend to Shadow) she was so sad after Shadows death
Shadow - Big black childhood dog... I smile thinking of her caring for scratches kittens one by one
Patches - Grey Manx
Hazel - Silly mutt that couldn't avoid cars
Mopsy - Childhood dog
Nutmeg - Childhood dog that saved me as a friend in high school...when I felt so alone
Killer - Sweetest dog that earned her name jumping from fear of a moving flower
Joseph - Red Tail Boa that decided it like the heating rock a little too much
Checkers - my first pet as an adult who taught me about pain, compassion, and death
Tonsils - Calico that loved me so, right to the end

Thank you to all of you for the love you gave myself and my family. Thank your for your lessons on life.

Paths

Tonight I listened to my aunt talk about her frightening experience over the weekend where she passed out in a casino. She didn't feel funny or know that anything was wrong. Her body just gave out and luckily she had no serious injuries from it although she did bump her head. The story was interesting and went on to describe the events following with EMTs and ambulances. I am happy that she is well.

A little while after hearing the story we had turned to joking about the casino and that she was slightly out of it after the fainting happened. We joked about her having won a jackpot and conveniently her memory was lost when she hit her head. Laughter. She shared the thought though that she had thought that she should have left the casino earlier so that she wouldn't have lost the money that she had at one point been up. She had been planning on leaving earlier. And the question came, what would have happened had she left then. Would the seizure have happened while driving back to Sacramento? Would the seizure not have happened? It can be fun to think about these alternate scenarios. Perhaps in a Star Trek episode we would go back and relive each on to see it's outcome. It's one of those hypothetical questions that you ask people to see how their brain works. But the reality is that she did have a seizure at the casino and this is the only path that will ever happen.

Sometimes looking back over past events in my life I am can be awed. I have looked for patterns or order and try to apply it to how the events took place. I may think about the night that I met my first love and realize that my relationship wouldn't have happened had I not been a tag-along to the group going to Magic Mountain. It was lucky that I had been there. Or I think about stumbling onto my house on the last day of its sale. If I hadn't been randomly driving in the area I wouldn't currently be living here. I know that events like these could be attributed to destiny or luck. I can call myself lucky when I look back at all the fun events like these and be amazed that I just happened to be there at the right place.

However, I think that these fortunate events are only amazing when looking at life as it has already transpired. They aren't quite as coincidental or amazing in the present. It's true that I may not have met my first love had I not gone to the amusement park. For the person I am now, and the memories I have, that is an horrible thought. I cannot imagine never having met him. But it is because all of the events DID happen that I feel this way. If I had never met him who knows what life I would have led or who my first love would have been. The coincidences of the past are only interesting because they led to this present.

It is for this reason that I have learned that I cannot have regrets in life. I know that I make decisions that may cause me grief or struggles. I may at times feel upset that I didn't make a wiser choice. However, good or bad I am made from these choices. Everything I do affects how I will be thereafter. If I like who I am now then I have to attribute it to all I've done before; all I've learned from mistakes and from joy. As I Look back and see things that I've done, I wouldn't change them because I wouldn't be me. I like who I am.

"The past is there to keep you strong, it's the map you draw your whole life long. You can hold it close, you can keep it dear but it will not help you get out of here. 'Cause it's just a map of the things you've done. All the choices made, every single one. But the past can't choose it can only guide, for the new to start open your heart out wide...."

-Convenience,  Gregg Coffin 

Worry

Today I was distracted and not exactly living in the moment. It's funny, it takes a reflection on my day to realize that I wasn't truly experiencing my day. A lot of my energy was spent on thinking about the possibilities of my evening. Over the weekend I had two small occurrences that seemed to rub people the wrong way. Neither of them were serious, and neither were intentional, but still I don't like creating dissonance with my friends and acquaintances. I knew that this evening I would be talking to them at a social gathering and so I was anxious.

Really the whole thing seems silly in retrospect. I did try and tell myself that as the day progressed but there was this unfinished business and I didn't know how it would be handled. It seems so difficult to let go of some things that my mind has fixated on. No matter how many times I reminded myself things were fine, my imagination insisted on playing out scenarios. I found myself a victim to my own thoughts and I even found myself upset as I imagined one of many outcomes. It seems to take a lot of work to try and calm my mind and bring it back to the present rather than the "what ifs." I wasn't very successful either. Perhaps this is why meditation and bringing yourself into the moment is considered practice. It is never something you perfect; always just practice. My mind seems to be untameable and wild sometimes. I wonder if I will gain more power to refocus on now if I continue to work at it. I know people who always seem peaceful and I wonder if their secret is that they are not worrying about things.

So the evening came and went and the dramas that I had imagined in my head never came to be. There wasn't much more than a shrug in all the talks of the evening. The wasted energy of the day was just that, wasted. I am not upset though because it is a good learning experience. Rather than letting the time be a complete loss and losing even more by dwelling in the past, I am going to take the lesson and move forward.

Worrying is not productive or helpful. Perhaps in my worries the thing to do is to find a way to confront them and not let it linger off in the future. Today I could have taken action and contacted the people I needed to talk to rather than fretting the day away while waiting to see them. This would have ended my mind's cycles and helped to actually move my day forward.

Maybe worry is just the embodiment of inaction. Perhaps it is just the product of being a victim of life rather than actually participating and forging my own path.