Head and Heart

I've been away a few days and it's good to be back. I've not physically been away, but I have set aside this blog for almost a week. It isn't to say that I've been ignoring myself, or that I've not been continuing my self discovery journey, but rather I've just not felt like writing. I guess I wanted to let myself be ok with setting the writing aside and so I gave myself time off. The result is that I missed it. Perhaps it's become a habit or at least my mind has grown accustomed to writing and enjoys releasing my thoughts in this way. Regardless, it's good to write again.

I feel like I'm stuck a bit in learning about relationships. I keep believing that everyone struggles with this and each deals in his/her own way. At least I hope that it is true because I'd like to not be the only lost soul. I'm not so confused on friendships. Where I'm struggling is finding a companion. It seems such a difficult thing to find someone that I compliment and vice versus. It's something that I long for and yet recently I've considered that perhaps I should stop looking. Some would say I'm more likely to find someone when I'm not looking and others would say that I need to put myself out there. It's a situation of contradictions.

I'm most confused because I don't know how to balance my heart and my head. I remember recently seeing a comedian who kept repeating the words of his girlfriend to him, "We don't get to choose who we fall in love with." It was a touching and real reminder of the organic quality of love. Love can strike between people that are polar opposites and yet there is that spark. So I find that I meet new people and I feel a connection and begin to jump. I overlook the differences or hurdles and hold onto this romantic idea of love. If it's meant to be love will conquer all. In this mindset I become enamored with the fantasy of love and begin denying my wants and needs to see if love will persevere. What is this? Does this last?

The logical part of my brain wars with this concept of heart and love. I have been in some fantastic relationships and each has given me a better idea of what I want and need. Some have taught me about dark places in myself which I need to work on and others have enlightened me to qualities I need in my partner. The list of qualities has been growing and I feel that I have a good idea of what I'm looking for. But lately I seem to be asking people about these qualities and then checking them off on a list in my head. I am feeling like it is a laundry list and I'm not letting myself feel the person out or discover them.   But is this list too logical? At what point am I just shopping rather than connecting with a person? The Little Prince warns about being too concerned with matters of consequence as this is what happens to old people. I don't want to forget about asking what his favorite flower is or how he first fell in love. And yet there do seem to be some necessary qualities in the boy I'm looking for.

To quote The Rules for Being Human, "A lesson is repeated until learned. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it -- then you can go on to the next lesson." I think that I'm stuck on this lesson and I'm still learning. Perhaps it's the balance of the head and heart rather than one or the other. Perhaps I need to learn that a date isn't necessarily leading to a relationship. Rather, it is getting to know a person and being ok with the possibility that they aren't a good match. Maybe I just need to be more honest with myself. In Texas Hold 'Em one of the first lessons I learned was that I should fold if I know that the cards I am first dealt are not good. I can bet and stay in to see each step of the game but usually all that happens is that I get caught too invested in the pot to leave. In the end I'm miserable when I realize I have nothing in my hand and have spent much of my money and time. This game of dating seems to be the same.

This evening I feel that I'm beginning to learn this lesson. I think that I need to be less "involved" in a search for love. My heart and my head need to be at peace and work together. There is no set formula for what I need in a relationship but I do need to be mindful of things that will cause me grief. It is ok to realize that someone isn't a good fit.

I am back again to focusing on me (maybe this is the real lesson that I'm stubborn to learn). Why do I think I will find answers from the outside; from meeting someone romantically. If I can resolve the "me" then the relationships that are meant will happen naturally.... and regardless I'll be content.